Free Inconceivable by Carolyn Savage Page B

problems that can’t be solved with a big black binder.
    As an adult, my ledger became my binders. I have binders for work, for all of the teams I coach, and for our own financial plans and estate planning. I got one of the black “mega” binders out of the box I keep in the basement. As with all of my binders, the new one needed a name to capture the essence of the situation. After some deliberation, I titled it “The Sean and Carolyn Savage CF File.” (If anyone asked, I decided I’d tell them CF stood for “Caring Family.”) Inside the binder I made a table of contents on a page entitled “Sean and Carolyn Savage: The Road Never Traveled.” I labeled the headings with letters A through Z, guessing that I’d be adding more categories in the next eight months.
a. Information from Clinic or Legal Representatives
b. Prioritization Categories and Timeline: The Lists
c. Family Law Information
d. Genetic Family Information and Communication
e. Communication Planning to Family and Friends
f. Savage Family Security Plan
g. Other Legal Issues
h. Expenses Incurred (Direct and Indirect)
i. Catholic Church Information
j. Medical Documentation: Ultrasound Pictures/Medical Records
    For me the stiff dividers between the categories illustrated the structure that would support my view of the crisis and where it might lead. These eight months could bury us under paper if I letthem. I also got out the box of plastic sleeves I use to file documents. I knew from experience that, with plastic sleeves, if we had a question about one of our decisions or about what one of the other parties involved had said, we’d be able to get our hands on the answer in seconds. Slipping the handful of documents we’d already produced into the plastic made me feel as though we were starting to get a handle on the situation.
    Then I devised another category—“Beyond the Stuff”—to cover the core emotional items, including:
     
Open discussion of thoughts and feelings
No judgment
Discussions twice a week on personal impact
Control anxiety and limit turning into opponents of each other
    These last categories were the most important because they would support our psychological well-being.
    As the Friday ultrasound appointment approached, I comforted myself with the reminder that we were doing all we could. Either there would be a heartbeat or the pregnancy was over. We would be capable of dealing with either of those outcomes.
    At Dr. Read’s, Carolyn handed Mary Kate to me right away, and together we walked into the ultrasound room. Linda was in a good mood, as always, remarking on how cute MK’s outfit was and ready with a quip about the crappy weather. Carolyn assumed her position on the ultrasound table, while I sat next to her, gripping MK like a security blanket. Carolyn closed her eyes as Linda prepped her for the ultrasound.
    As Linda turned on the screen and grabbed the wand, I know Carolyn was saying a little prayer for the baby and for us. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, when Linda said, “Well, guys, we have a ticker.”

    “Thank God,” Carolyn whispered. The baby’s heartbeat was a mere ninety-five beats per minute.
    “Is that normal?” Carolyn asked.
    “Yes, it probably just started beating this morning,” Linda said.
    Carolyn and I smiled for the first time since the day we received the news. When I saw the heartbeat, the pregnancy went from an intangible to an absolute. We just watched this child’s heart start to beat. In a few weeks, he or she would have legs, feet, arms, fingers, and toes, all because of Carolyn. This was real. This was life. At this point, the thought of giving up this baby seemed inconceivable.
    As we walked out, Carolyn was beaming. She said, “A heart holds a person’s soul. It allows one to love, and to be loved.” Love feeds the heart, and now this baby’s was growing. I think it was at that very moment that this little person burrowed into our hearts forever.

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