Free When Good Kids Have Sex by Katherine Gordy Levine Page B

    For some people, "irresponsible sex" is defined as "sex before marriage."
    To me, there are other definitions:
Just letting sex happen, rather than consciously making the choice to become sexually
     active.
Not using birth control, when you cannot support and do not want a baby.
Neglecting to protect yourself from disease.
Exploiting someone else.
    If you're a parent who believes premarital sex is wrong, some of the advice that
     follows will still be helpful to you. I support your right to your values. But in
     a society that constantly advertises the glories of sex, an excessive emphasis on
     chastity may create more problems than it prevents.
    Here's the double message: the ads promote sexual bliss; family and authority figures
     promote chastity. Confused, most teenagers do not make a conscious choice to have
     sex. Kelvin and his girl, for example, considered sex "bad," so they were not prepared.
     After five months of steady dating, the afternoon came when they became "carried
     away" in their lovemaking. Remorseful afterward, they vowed never to do "it" again.
     But the girl was not a virgin and a restraint had been removed. The next time was
     easier, and the next, and the next.
    The excuse of being swept away, however legitimate, eases a teenager's guilt about
     wanting to do the forbidden. It does not allow time for responsible preparations
     for sex. Like many adolescent boys, Kelvin let desire suppress conscience. He was
     not purposely exploiting his girlfriend. For girls, too, getting carried away wipes
     out individual responsibility. Harvard's Jerome Kagan believes that this kind of
     thinking is part of the cultural landscape: "Americans believe that being overwhelmed
     by a feeling justifies whatever actions flow from that feeling."
    At least Kelvin really did care about his girlfriend. He was able to learn responsibility.
     Far too many adolescent boys cannot see farther than the double standard that is
     as alive and destructive today as it was when I was growing up.
    Double Standard, Double Bind
    Clarissa's parents were sure they were doing the right thing. Because both had had
     positive sexual experiences before their marriage, they talked carefully with their
     daughter about responsible sex. At thirteen, she felt good about herself, comfortable
     with her body and its changes. She decided then that she would be like the heroine
     of Judy Blume's novel, Forever. Sure, she'd have sex before marriage, but she'd
     be in love, she'd be protected, she'd be smart.
    At fifteen, when her gynecologist referred her to me for counseling, Clarissa was
     severely depressed. Three months before, she had had an abortion. The teenage father,
     Eric, no longer found her as desirable as when she had refused to sleep with him.
     When she walked into my office, every aspect of Clarissa seemed downcast: shoulders
     sagged, mouth drooped, eyes constantly filled with tears.
    "I dream night and day about my baby, about the baby I murdered," she finally managed
     to say. "Mom and Dad have been super, Mom tells me over and over that I didn't really
     murder a baby, but I keep thinking about what might have been - and I can't get
     rid of that thought. I could be having a baby in another couple of months. I even
     dream I'm still pregnant. I wish I had it to do all over again."
    "What would you do differently?" I asked softly.
    For a brief moment, anger flashed through the misery in her eyes. "I'd say no. No
     sex until I'm ready to have a baby. And if the boy can't wait, then goodbye, boy!"
    Her story was not remarkable. She and Eric had dated for six months, gradually growing
     closer emotionally and physically. When he gave her his class ring, she decided
     to implement the plan she made at thirteen, but her gynecologist could not schedule
     her right away. One night, when waiting proved too much, knowledgeable Clarissa
     and her first serious boyfriend made love - with great passion, without protection.
    They slept together