Free The Funny Thing Is... by Ellen Degeneres Page A

have a few trivial facts at your disposal. Once you’ve memorized these facts, just sprinkle them into your ordinary conversation like … sprinkles, I guess. Here are a few that I use:
    Telemacbus
—in Greek mythology, the son of Odysseus and Penelope, who helped his father kill Penelope’s suitors. I’m not sure how you’ll use this. So never mind.
    Oh, how about
zwitterion
—in physics, an ion carrying both a positive and a negative charge, thus forming an electrically neutral molecule. Example: “Oh look, there’s a zwitterion.”
    Albertus Seba
was an apothecary. He was born in 1665 in the East Frisian town of Etzel. I have no idea what an apothecary is, or where the heck Frisia is. So, if I’m asked, I usually just point at something in the distance, then run in the opposite direction.
    You can always try, “Alpacas communicate by humming and spitting.” Then again, so does my grandmother.
    And what if none of these methods work? What if you can no more pull off pretending to be smart than actually being smart? Well, there’s no need to get depressed. Maybe smartness or smartyness or smartynessness just isn’t for you. Which is okay, because if you look around, you’ll see that people who are not smart have achieved success in every realm of endeavor. Look at politics; look at sports; look at who’s on TV and in the movies. You’re not going to see a lot of smarties. Look at me. I’m not all that smart and yet the accountant who I authorized to take care of all my finances told me that I made literally hundreds of dollars last year.
    Feel better? Good. That’s what I’m here for. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I seem to only be using 8% of my brain right now. I’m going to go on a little expedition to look for the other 2%. If I’m not back in a couple of days, don’t worry. Something shiny must have distracted me.

the things that are bothering me this week
    Last week in therapy, I was in the middle of a story when my therapist, Dr. Brandon Muflin, interrupted me. “Helen,” he said.
    “It’s Ellen.”
    “Helen, Ellen, when you get down to it, is there really any difference?”
    “Well, actually …”
    “I don’t want to get into your constant need to correct people. I’ve realized what your real problem is. You spend too much time in our sessions talking about yourself.”
    “But isn’t that the point of therapy?”
    “In fact, no.”
    Then Dr. Muflin (I know, don’t certain people’s names make you hungry?) suggested that instead of coming in each week and “yammering away” about the things that are bothering me, I should write them down—make a list of annoyances. He would then spend our therapy sessions reading my list while I did chores around his house. “Much like Daniel-san did for Mr. Miyagi in
The Karate Kid
,” he added, trying to convince me.
    Well, since Dr. Muflin’s the one who is three credits shy of getting his B.A. from a partially accredited university, and not me, I decided to take his advice. So, without any further ado—okay, maybe with just a little ado—here are:
    THE 10 THINGS THAT ARE BOTHERING ME THIS WEEK
    1. Golden Delicious apples. Where do they get off naming their apples that? That’s a little immodest, isn’t it? What if I called myself “Incredibly Attractive Ellen”?
    2. The way the receptionist at the dentist tries to book your next appointment six months in advance. “How’s 8:45 A.M. on October the 5th?” I want to say, “Nope, that’s no good. I’m shopping for groceries at 8:50 A.M. that day.”
    3. Businesses that offer to make up for poor service or poor products with a voucher for
more
free poor service or poor products. “If you’re not satisfied with your meal, your next unsatisfying meal here is FREE!”
    4. Car lot ads that brag, “Our sales manager screwed up! We’ve got too many cars and they must go. His mistake is your lucky break.” How does this guy keep his job? Every year he screws up and orders too many