Free Use of Weapons by Iain M. Banks Page B

Xenophobe -'
    'Xeny.'
    'Xeny;
you are a million-tonne starship; a Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even
-'
    'But
I'm demilitarised!'
    'Even
without your principal armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to
-'
    'Aw,
come on; any silly GCU can do that !'
    'So
what is all this shit for?' She shook the furry little remote drone, quite
hard. Its teeth chattered.
    'It's
for a laugh!' it cried. 'Sma; don't you appreciate a joke?'
    'I
don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation
area?'
    'Ooo!
What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals,
or what? Look, Ms Sma; I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm
asked to do - including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified
destination - and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff
of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in
your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as
ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human
colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current
appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a
disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through
your personal terminal. The last thing I want to do is offend a guest.'
    Sma
pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head, and sighed. 'Fair enough.'
    'I
can keep this shape?'
    'By
all means.'
    'Oh
goody!' It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked
hopefully at her. 'Cuddle?'
    'Cuddle.'
Sma cuddled it, patted its back.
    She
turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in mid-air, its
aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in
Extreme Distress.

    Sma
nodded goodbye to the little brown and yellow animal as it waddled away down
the corridor which led back to the social area (it waved back with one chubby
little paw), then closed the cabin door and made sure the room's internal
monitoring was off.
    She
turned to Skaffen-Amtiskaw. ' How long
are we on this ship for?'
    'Thirty
days?' Skaffen-Amtiskaw suggested.
    Sma
gritted her teeth and looked round the fairly cosy-looking but - compared to
the echoing spaces of the old power station mansion - rather small cabin.
'Thirty days with a crew of viral masochists and a ship that thinks it's a
cuddly toy.' She shook her head, sat into the bed field. 'Subjectively, drone,
this could be a long trip.' She collapsed back into the bed, muttering.
    Skaffen-Amtiskaw
decided right now would probably still not be the best time to tell the woman
about Zakalwe being missing.
    'I'll
just go and take a look round, if you don't mind,' it said, drifting towards
the door over the neat line of bags that was Sma's luggage.
    'Yeah,
on you go,' Sma waved one arm lazily, then shucked off the jacket and let it
fall to the deck.
    The
drone had almost made it to the door when Sma sat bolt upright, a frown on her
face, and said, 'Wait a minute; what did the ship mean about "... rather
fuzzily specified destination"? Doesn't it know where the hell we're
going?'
    Oh-oh , thought the
drone.
    It
spun in the air. 'Ah,' it said.
    Sma's
eyes narrowed. 'We are just going to get Zakalwe, aren't we?'
    'Yes.
Of course.'
    'We're
not doing anything else?'
    'Absolutely
not. We find Zakalwe; we brief him; we take him to Voerenhutz. Simple as that.
We might be asked to hang around for a bit, overseeing, but that isn't definite
yet.'
    'Yes,
yes, I expected that, but... where exactly is Zakalwe?'
    'Where exactly ?' The drone said. 'Well, I
mean; you know, that's...'
    'All
right,' Sma said, exasperated, 'approximately, then.'
    'No
problem,' Skaffen-Amtiskaw said, backing off towards the door.
    'No
problem?' Sma said, puzzled.
    'Yes;
no problem. We know that. Where he is.'
    'Good,'
Sma nodded. 'Well?'
    'Well
what?'
    'Well,'
Sma said loudly, 'where is