Free Secret Smile by Nicci French Page A

expressing her gratitude. She's probably embarrassed. But it means so
much to her. And to me as well.'
    'It was really nothing,' I said.
    'I feel so happy about Kerry that I can
hardly bear it. I keep my fingers crossed all the time. And I wake at night and
just pray and pray that it will be all right.'
    'Why shouldn't it?' I asked.
    'It seems too good to be true,' my mother
said. 'As if someone's waved a wand over her life.'
    'It's not a fairy tale. He's not a knight
in shining armour,' I said.
    'I know, I know. But I have always thought
with Kerry that all she needed was self-confidence and then she could do
whatever she wanted. That's what Brendan's given her.'
    'It's scary, isn't it,' I said, swirling
my amber wine around in its glass. 'All the different things happiness depends
on. You want it to be less fragile than that.'
    'Well, I never thought that way about
you,' said my mother. 'Whatever the ups and downs, I knew you'd be all right.'
    'Oh,' I said dully. Somehow that didn't
make me feel cheerful.
    'It's just Troy now,' said my mother. 'But
I can't help feeling it's going to be OK now. Like we're getting into a
virtuous circle.' She tipped the last of her wine down her throat and I poured
her another glass. She waited until I was done, then took a breath and said:
'Talking of Kerry and Troy, it seemed like a good moment to talk about things
that your father and I have never discussed properly with you.'
    'What things?' I asked as I was suddenly
filled with a creepy, ominous feeling.
    She took one of the little paper napkins
that came with the wine and started twisting it and folding it as if she were
going to make a paper aeroplane.
    'Obviously, we all know that Troy is
wonderful, but he's always going to need financial help. You know that we have
been paying money into a trust fund for him.'
    'He may get a job,' I said dubiously.
'It's a matter of finding the right area.'
    'I hope so, Miranda, I hope so. But that's
not our immediate problem. Now Kerry and Brendan will be getting married in two
months' time, and it's going to be a very modest ceremony. But the two of them
will be as poor as church mice for a while. Derek has talked with Brendan and
he's very impressed with him. He has a large number of plans. All sorts of
plans. But for the moment they will need help with their flat and other things.
We have our own property problems, as you know, but still, we want to help them
as much as we can. We are going to help them with buying the flat, in a small
way.'
    'I'm glad,' I said. 'But why are you
telling me?'
    'You're doing so well,' said my mother,
squeezing my hand. 'You always have done. I sometimes think it's hard for you
to realize how difficult it has been for Troy and Kerry.'
    'I'm a jobbing decorator,' I said. 'I'm
not a stockbroker.'
    My mother shook her head.
    'You're doing wonderfully. I've been
talking with Bill. He thinks the world of you.'
    'I wish he'd pay me more, then.'
    'That will come, Miranda. The sky's the
limit for you.'
    'So what are you saying?'
    'You're so generous, Miranda, and I know
you won't give this a second thought, the way some people would. It just seems
clear to your father and me that Troy and Kerry need, will always need,
help in a way that you won't.'
    'So what are you saying?' I repeated. I
knew what she was saying.
    'All I'm saying is that we're allocating
special resources to Troy and Kerry, and I hope that you agree with us about
the need for that.'
    What she meant — of course — is that she
was taking money from the slice of the family pie that was notionally in some
sort of way allocated to me and giving it to Troy and Kerry. What could I say?
No? Don't help my brother and sister? There was a little dormouse-sized Miranda
in a corner of my brain giving a howl of rage and misery, but I put a
metaphorical gag in her mouth.
    I wanted to cry. It wasn't the money, or I
don't think it was. It was the emotions behind the money. We never grow up enough
not to need our parents