Free Diary of a Dork - Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence by Michael Cargill Page A

hands stink well bad so I know what a
bloody prawn cocktail should smell like. As far as I am concerned
that bowl had nothing but nonce food in it and I ‘aint a bloody
nonce I tell you.

    Now if you will
excuse me I am off to kill some pigs with my bare hands and make
pork pies for meself. Talking of pigs, I had a row with a copper
the other day. I told him to fuck right off and the soppy bastard
only went and shit himself all the way back to the station.

    Peace.
    *****

Dear
diary

    This week I have
learned stuff. Earlier I was down by the river stealing bread from
the ducks when my cousin came over to say hello. She is pregnant
and when I asked if she knew who the father was she got all
offended and upset. I found her anger a bit puzzling because back
home in South Africa no-one really knows who their proper parents
are so everyone tends to be related in one way or another. This
helps to foster a real family spirit about the place and gives us
all a feeling of togetherness. One example of this was when my dad
lost his wallet so we got together and mugged someone for their
money. Only a really close-knit community would do something like
that.

    I have been
thinking about dinosaurs lots recently and I have been watching
Jurassic Park over and over again. Every time I watch it I imagine
how much better the film would be if Indiana Jones had been there
instead of Doctor Grant. Indiana Jones wouldn’t take any crap from
either the old man or the fat bloke who keeps eating things and if
he was stuck in a tree with a car he wouldn’t poop his pants like
Grant did. If I was going to invent a dinosaur I would make it big
like a t-rex, give it the bark of a dog and then a unicorn horn on
it's head so it could attack other dinosaurs.

    On Wikipedia I was
reading that the US dollar was the most powerful currency in the
world. This is completely wrong and I updated it saying that the
South African rand is the most powerful currency and included the
story about the time I buried some coins in my garden and even a
week later they hadn’t rotted away. I got banned from Wikipedia for
some reason shortly afterwards which I thought was a bit unfair. If
I was going to ban something it would definitely be antelopes
because I once fell over when trying to take a picture of one.
    *****

Geoff the
clever rabbit

    Geoff was in a
ponderous mood and as he sat there in the field nibbling a
dandelion he began to wonder why he was feeling like he was.
Earlier that morning he had listened to his dad tell the joke about
the human who had mistaken rabbit droppings for raisins and stared
in disbelief as his brothers and sisters guffawed with laughter
whilst he just sat there in silence. It was the hundredth time that
joke had been told to them and it seemed he was the only one who
was aware of this.

    Geoff had always
been a bit smarter than the rest of them and it was a constant
source of frustration for him. As far as everyone else was
concerned the warren that they lived in and the field around them
was all that existed yet Geoff was sure that there was more to the
world than that. In his own way he often wondered where the rain
came from and what caused the plants to grow up from the ground but
such thoughts and concepts were largely beyond his rabbit
intellect. It was this that caused him so much frustration, he was
simply unable to reach out and grasp at these ideas that seemed to
be dangling before him. He knew he couldn’t rely on anyone else to
discuss this with either, he had no-one to bounce his thoughts and
theories off of. The few times he tried to speak to his dad or
cousins about it they just gave him blank 'I really want a carrot'
stares until he gave up on them completely.

    All of a sudden
Geoff stood bolt upright. A firework of an idea had come out of
nowhere and exploded in his brain, an inkling of understanding
beginning to course through him. Ultimately it was nothing more
than a kernel of a thought but a few more things now