Free Sex in the Title by Zack Love Page B

can actually satisfy?”
    “I didn’t say that. Now you’re putting words in my mouth.”
    “Are you suggesting that your standards aren’t too high?”
    “I’m suggesting that you think they’re too high only because your standards are so low. It’s all relative, you know.”
    “I’ve got very high standards.”
    “Yeah, she’s gotta chew her cud and lactate.”
    “You’ve gotta stop with that cow joke. I told you I was too drunk to notice her mass.”
    “Even when she was riding the Hebrew National?”
    “I was on top.”
    Lucky Chucky was still playfully rejoicing for Heeb who, a week earlier, finally broke his two-year celibacy spell after successfully Kojaking a bovine chemistry student at an MIT frat party.
    “Look, my point is that your standards don’t deserve to be called standards because any non-Jew with the requisite anatomy qualifies,” Carlos pointed out.
    “If I’m excluding the only ethnic group that will talk to me, that makes me a very picky guy. I don’t see how you can argue with that.”
    “I guess. But there are still about three billion women who meet your standards.”
    “Yeah: look how much good it’s doing me!” Heeb rejoined.
    “At least you’re not a twenty-two-year-old virgin.”
    “True, but if I ever become famous, there are going to be a lot of nasty-lookin’ women telling television talk show hosts that they slept with me.”
    “That’ll be a problem only if you become famous.”
    Heeb was about to protest such wry skepticism when he noticed that a foxy female student wearing a Wellesley sweatshirt had boarded their train car. With tight white spandex and a white headband, the bouncy, energetic redhead looked as if she was returning from a modern dance class. Her head moved to the beats blaring in her headset as she surveyed the train car for the best place to stand. There were plenty of spots but, once her eyes crossed Carlos, she chose the space across from him that offered the best, apparently nonchalant view of the dark, virgin Adonis in the blue navy coat, wearing dark gloves. (To avoid exposure to germs, Carlos always wore gloves while riding public transportation).
    Carlos didn’t notice any of these details and was just waiting for Heeb to say whatever it was that he was going to say in defense of his prospects for fame.
    “It’s just not fair!” Heeb protested abruptly, after seeing enough of the redhead looking over at Carlos.
    “What’s not fair?” Carlos finally looked where Heeb was looking and understood. He smiled in resignation and let Heeb finish his rant.
    “I mean, why can’t I just accept that I’m always going to fly in economy? Why do I insist on trying to upgrade into first class when I don’t have enough miles?”
    “That’s not Kojaking it, Heeb. Let me see you Kojak this one.”
    After several playful glances, and two train stops, the redhead allowed the large crowd that had just alighted the train to serve as her pretext for moving up close to the Latin heartthrob, and the mostly invisible, heavy-set nerd ogling her.
    With a slight blush, and a little short of breath, she removed her headset and attempted her opening line with Carlos: “This train’s gotten so crowded.” Carlos just smiled politely and looked at Heeb. That Carlos could be so indifferent to her suddenly made the cute student seem approachably vulnerable. Heeb felt the Kojak coming on strong, and let it loose without any hesitation.
    “Look, I know you’re hot. And I know that you know that you’re hot. But you don’t have a chance with this guy,” Heeb said, gesturing towards Carlos.
    “What are you talking about?” The redhead looked slightly embarrassed – even insulted – that the man talking to her was Heeb rather than the hunk she had addressed. She looked at Carlos, hoping that he would rescue her from the impudent intrusion by this geek, but – to her disappointed surprise – Carlos was focused intently on Heeb, as if Heeb were the only