Free Love and Other Natural Disasters by Holly Shumas Page B

any day than telling
her everything." She leaned in. "I'm not saying this to be harsh. I'm
saying it because I think the best thing one Woman can do for another is not
bullshit her. Leave the bullshitting to the men."
    "What do you think I should
do, then?" "Well, what are you doing now?" "I told him to
go to therapy and figure out who he really is and what he wants."
    Lil nodded approvingly. "And
you take this time to figure out who you are and what you want. If you wind Up
wanting each other, you can try to fix this. But maybe this is your
opportunity. Maybe you never thought you'd get a second chance and now you have
one." "But I didn't want a second chance." "If you knew
then what you know now about him, maybe you would have."
    "What about my kids? Don't I
owe it to them... ?" I trailed off.
    "To sacrifice your happiness?
To live with a man you can't trust?" She shook her head. "My ex and I
split up when Luke was barely two. I knew it was right, and that's all Luke
ever saw from me. If you show your kids you're doing what's best, they believe
you." "I don't know what's best." "Look, you're still
young, you're cute—" "I'm pregnant," I cut in.
    "Unless you're planning on
carrying that baby around for another twenty years, you could be back in the
game like that." She snapped her fingers. "If that's what you
want."
    I was dubious, but at least I
wasn't crying.
    I should probably mention that
Jon's the only man I've ever been in love with. He wasn't my first boyfriend,
or my first sex, but I never fully understood the point of either boyfriends or
sex until Jon.
    We were introduced at a "Take
Back the Night" rally. It wasn't a fix-up; he just fell in step beside my
friend Jennifer as we marched through the streets, decrying violence against
women. We called it marching, but it was really just walking. He shook my hand;
then he and Jennifer started talking. I couldn't hear him all that well, given
the chanting around us, and I wasn't trying hard. I wasn't particularly struck
by his appearance: dark hair, slightly big nose, oversized polo shirt on a thin
frame. He was cute enough, but innocuous. He was an everyman.
    I was surprised when Jennifer later
said he'd asked about me. She said he "liked my energy." I didn't
know what he meant, but I was flattered in spite of myself. I wasn't the surly
adolescent I once was, but I never thought of myself as the kind of girl with
good energy. I also didn't really see myself dating the kind of guy who'd use
the phrase "good energy," but Jennifer vouched for him and I hadn't
had a date in months. Sometimes you just need to exercise the muscle.
    Jon picked a Vietnamese restaurant
near campus for our first date, and when I walked in and saw him, my heart went
into free fall. I was suddenly sure no good could come of this meeting. Jon's
hair was sticky with gel and he was wearing a plain white T-shirt and jeans. I
was no style icon, but at least I understood that first-date clothing was a chance
to say something about yourself. I wasn't impressed with Jon's blank-canvas
look.
    The food was greasy, the lighting
was too bright, and our table featured a glass overlay and a single red
carnation wilting in a blue ceramic vase. And Jon was a business major, for
heaven's sake, which Jennifer had neglected to mention.
    Slowly but surely, though, he won
me over. He seemed to sense that initially I wanted out of there, and he was
prepared to wait me out. I didn't know what in his life had imbued him with the
confidence to believe that I'd come around—or why he seemed so certain I was
worth waiting for, I wasn't sure of that myself—but somehow the combination of
dogged and sweet worked for me. He didn't try to dazzle; he was just
curious and interested and, eventually, funny. I was charmed in spite of
myself.
    I'd spent a lot of time in and out
of depression in my life, and with Jon, I found an easy happiness that I'd
never experienced before. Around him, I felt lighter. I hadn't realized that