Free Captains Outrageous by Joe R. Lansdale Page A

stunned.
    “That lying little ferret,” Leonard said. “I gave him an opening and he took it and told me the wrong time. I see him again, I’m gonna beat him until he has flashbacks.”
    “Of what?”
    “Me beatin’ him.”
    “Can I hit him a couple of times?”
    “If there’s anything left, of course. You are my best friend.”

11
    W E DECIDED we might as well plan on being in Playa del Carmen for a day or two, so we ended up at a little pink stucco hotel where we rented a double. The room smelled of damp carpet and the bathroom smelled of urine beneath the warped linoleum.
    Upstairs we sat on one of the beds and sorted our money. Most of what I had gotten for my heroic deed was back home in the bank, but I had more in traveler’s checks in my luggage on the ship, right next to my clean underwear and socks. I had some bucks in my wallet, two hundred dollars in traveler’s checks, and a charge card with a low limit on it. Leonard had a hundred dollars in assorted bills and a very ugly hat.
    “Okay, we got enough for a couple nights, maybe three we need to spend them,” I said. “That also includes food, phone calls we need to make, and maybe some clean underwear.”
    “I didn’t know you changed yours,” Leonard said.
    I ignored that, said, “Okay, so what’s first?”
    “I vote on the underwear for you, but I suppose the thing to do is call John, get him to arrange some plane flights, nearest airport and all that, then we find a way to get to the airport, fly to New Orleans, get a cab to where the ship will dock, get our luggage, cripple the asshole who lied to us about the departure time, break his dick in three spots, cover his balls in peanut butter, pack his asshole with a pound of pure cane sugar, and hold him down in an ant bed.”
    “Might I point out this is all your fault.”
    “That so?”
    “If you hadn’t fucked with him in the first place this wouldn’t have happened. All you had to do was put on a jacket or go to the buffet.”
    “I didn’t want the buffet, and I didn’t want to wear a jacket.”
    “And you see the results.”
    “That pompous motherfucker just thinks he got off scot-free with me. Besides, you said you wanted to hit him some.”
    “I want to hit you some too. But we’ll make a phone call instead.”
    We looked around the room. No phone. Downstairs they wouldn’t let us use the one in the office and there wasn’t a pay phone. Suddenly there was a language barrier. The desk clerk indicated he had no idea where we might find a phone.
    I asked him if there was a Holiday Inn anywhere near. He just grinned at me. Now I was the Ugly American.
    We went outside and around the corner and started walking in the direction of the post office. Had we seen a pay phone in the post office? We were uncertain. As we walked, Leonard’s hat provided me with a lot of shade. Which I needed. I was pretty warm. Not as humid as East Texas, but still warm, and by this time it was late afternoon.
    The post office was closed.
    “What the hell?” I said.
    “They keep their own hours,” Leonard said.
    We walked along the littered beach a ways and actually found an old-fashioned phone booth. But the phone was missing. Someone had torn it out. Some of the phonebook was there, though, just in case it was needed.
    “Maybe we could just put a message in a bottle,” I said. “Toss it in the ocean.”
    “I’m game,” Leonard said.
    The beach was nice, and we decided for no good reason at all to just keep walking along it. I think, subconsciously, we were trying to get away from town, as if that would take us away from our miseries. There was a long wooden dock, and we walked on the sand next to that and watched the boats, some with sails, some without, bobbing in the slate-colored water like tops. Above us seabirds soared, made noises like insane laughter.
    As we walked, no phone booth materialized but we saw three men coming toward us. They were stocky guys. One of them wore a coat,