Free Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish by Andrew Buckley Page B

despite spending an eternity in the depths of Hell, the thought of descending those subway steps sent a shiver down his back, causing him to arch in that cute way that cats did.
    He'd interviewed five henchmen so far. The first three were useless, the fourth was worse than useless, and the interview with the fifth suffered a rude interruption by the intervention of an ill-fated Animal Control agent. The fifth candidate weighed close to three-hundred pounds and answered to the name Slim Jim.
    Where the
slim
aspect of the moniker came from was lost on pretty much everyone else in the world. Their conversation went something like this.
    "So you're the Devil," said Slim Jim, practically out of breath from the effort.
    The Devil stared up over the belly of Slim Jim and nodded.
    "But you're a cat?"
    "Nothing escapes you does it, Slim?" hissed the cat. "In return for your services, I will reward you with an air-conditioned room when you arrive in Hell. It doesn't sound like much now, but believe me, you'll thank me when the time comes."
    Slim Jim pondered the cat, pondered the flashing lights coming toward him, and turned and ran, believing the cops were after him. The lights belonged to that of an Animal Control vehicle whose driver was ill fated, only he didn't know it yet. Incidentally, after Slim Jim's encounter with the Devil, he renounced his current life of crime and within four years was appointed to be the High Bishop of York. He was upset to discover that he ended up in Hell anyway, as forging religious documentation passing him off as an appointed member of the Church was a big no-no. As he sat in a particularly hot part of Hell, Slim Jim really wished he had air conditioning.
    The Animal Control agent, Cedric by name, had abandoned a promising career as an executive security analyst with Her Majesty's Secret Service to become an Animal Control agent based upon the self-realization that he loved kitties.
    Cedric, haphazardly, moved toward the Devil. In one hand, Cedric held a lovely-looking net, in the other hand a bag of cat treats.
    The Devil eyed the net and instinctively, at least for a cat, raised the hackles on his back.
    "That's a nice kitty, who's a cutie wootie kitty witty," cooed Cedric.
    The Devil tried to summon the powers of Hell. A spark of fire appeared in his glassy cat eyes. He felt the residents of Hell far beneath the earth writhing in agony, the torture, the pain, his legions of demons dancing to popular eighties disco music—the spark of fire went out and a small cloud of steam arose from the cat. The demons would end up paying for that one later.
    Cedric advanced.
    "Do you want a treat, my fuzzy wuzzy little buddy, a little treaty weaty?"
    The Devil tried again. He fixed Cedric with the sort of stare that would make Jack the Ripper whimper like a little girl, give up killing, and open a dental practice.
    Cedric, oblivious to such things, especially coming from a cat, made ready to swing the net.
    "I really don't recommend you do that," said the Devil.
    Cedric stopped advancing. This was the first time a cat had spoken to him, and he didn't really know how he felt about it.
    The alleyway seemed to be getting darker as the Devil concentrated harder and harder. The outside world shrank away like watercolours flowing down a window as the Devil pushed his little cat-like brain to the very brink. In fact, he pushed it over the brink, so far over the brink he could look behind him and see the brink that he'd just come over. His voice momentarily lost the strained cat effect and contracted a more dark and sinister sort of presence.
    Cedric began to feel hot and uncomfortable.
    "Now listen to me, you insipid little creature, and listen good." Somewhere off in the distance, an orchestra began to play a tragic and ominous tune backed up by the Czech Republic’s Gregorian Boys Choir. Fumes of sulfur arose from the ground; they always did that when the Czech Republic's Gregorian Boys Choir rehearsed.
    "I fell