Free The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved by Matthew Kelly Page B

be very much like the boy—absorbed in the moment, enjoying people, places, and things for who and what they are, giving and receiving joy; and still, at other times, I have found myself to be too much like the man that the boy becomes—taking with no regard for the needs of others.
    The story powerfully raises one of the ever-present questions in relationships, How much should we give?
    When a relationship is going well, the question may be in the back of our minds, but it seems unimportant and perhaps irrelevant. While the other person is giving freely and generously, we seem willing to give without restraint. But when the other person turns in on himself or herself and becomes self-interested, self-centered, and self-absorbed, we don’t know if this is a passing phase or a new and permanent disposition and the question begins to loom in our hearts and minds. Once this turning in on self begins, a relationship can very quickly become transactional, and it easy for us to feel that we are being taken advantage of, even used.
    In the best relationships we are able to talk about this inward turning and the negative impact it is having on the relationship. But we have all found ourselves, and will find ourselves yet again, in relationships where we are either unable to have this conversation or our plea falls on deaf ears. It is then that we begin to ask ourselves, Do I keep giving freely and without reserve? Should I draw back a little? These are important questions, but the real question is, What do we hope to achieve by our giving?
    Giving is an intrinsic part of a relationship, it is an indispensable component of our personal happiness, and the joy of giving is one of the most emotionally intoxicating experiences of this life. The joy of giving is one of life’s great virtuous pleasures. Yet we should never allow ourselves to lose sight of the reason for our giving. And, in fact, it is this reason that should set the bounds of our giving.
    When a child comes to his father and asks for the latest video game, what will guide the father’s decision? Will he ask himself, “Can I afford it?” or will he ask himself, “Will this game help my son become the-best-version-of-himself?”
    Our giving should be governed by our desire to become the-best-version-of-ourselves and our desire to help others do the same. Our giving must therefore be restrained and directed, for disconnected from our essential purpose even something as good and noble as giving becomes useless, distorted, self-indulgent, even dangerous.
    Should we give of ourselves in order to bring happiness to others? Absolutely.
    Should we give to the point that our giving becomes self-destructive? No. I don’t think we should. There will be times when we will be asked to give in ways that require us to forgo our own legitimate needs, just as a mother gives up precious sleep to feed her child. But this type of giving should be the exception and not the rule in relationships. And more than ever, when giving requires great personal sacrifice and the forgoing of our own legitimate needs, we must constantly be tempering our giving by asking ourselves, Is this going to help the other person become the-best-version-of-himself or herself?
    How much should we give? It’s a difficult question, and like all of life’s difficult questions it should be answered with our goal and purpose in mind.
    Sometimes we have to be willing to give completely and in ways that are self-diminishing, but not every day and not at the whim and abuse of other selfish people. Our giving should not be a blind and reckless kind. We should give with the other person’s best self in mind.
    Your relationships are like trees. You can cut them down for firewood and you will be warm today, but you can only do it once. Or you can nurture yourself and your relationships, and if you do, you will enjoy their fruits for many, many years to come…and every year the fruit will be sweeter.
    E MBRACE THE M