Free I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White Page A

anymore.
    And I'd also like to know where to get those signs, because I'd like to keep some kids out of my yard.
    "Don't go in Mr. White's yard, he'll fuck ya. Is that a Ferris wheel?"

    I 've talked about my cousin Ray before. And there's no two people on the planet that are less alike than he and I.
    I'll give you an example. He's a homophobe. And I can't believe I'm not gay. That's how far apart we are on the food chain.
    Now, I'm not gay, but if you ever come to see me live, take a look at the fuckin' shoes I wear. The reason I say that is who knows how things are gonna turn out in life?
    And the reason I say that is from the time I was nine until I was thirteen, I was raised by my grandmother. And my grandmother and her family moved to the Panhandle of northwest Texas at the turn of the last century in a covered wagon. Very poor, very rural people.
    And as a child, I would just have to look a little bit sick, and my grandmother would start cramming things in my ass.

    She had an anal thermometer from the 1800s the size of a rolling pin. And the only way she had to take my temperature was to shove this huge antique glass rod into my butt.
    And suppositories--gigantic ass pills. I don't know where she got them. She would take these gigantic pills and shove them in my butt.
    And enemas, she would stick a hose in my ass and pump hot water into my bowels. And I hated it.
    At first.
    Then I was like, "I feel dizzy, Grandma. Was that my fever breaking?"
    We were living in a podunk little shit town. And there's nothing to do, right?
    Well, the year I lived with her that I turned thirteen, I figured out something really fun to do. And my grandma caught me in the bathroom, just a-doin' it.
    And my grandmother, bless her heart, was a very religious woman. And she came up to me later and said, "It says in the Bible, young man, that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground."
    I was like, "Well, it's tough to argue with that kind of logic, Grandma. You got fifty bucks?"
    My grandmother had some kind of special radar when it came to me and sex. 'Cause the first time I ever had sex in my life, that somebody else was involved in, my grandmother caught me in her garage having sex with this girl.
    And my grandmother said, "One of these days you're gonna be standing side by side with the Lord, watching your life pass before your eyes, answering for each and every one of your sins. And what are you gonna say to him, young man, when this little episode turns up?"
    And I said, "I'm gonna tell him: 'Watch this, here comes the good part. I was only fifteen, but I was throwing some dick in this one, wasn't I? Look at that right there. That sumbitch could go.' "
    I was talking to Cousin Ray one day, and he said, "Man, this world would be better if there weren't so many queers."
    And I said, "You know what, the next time you have a thought, let it go. We're all gay, buddy. It's just to what extent are you gay."
    He goes, "That's bullshit, man. I ain't gay at all." I'm like, "Yeah, you are, and I can prove it."
    He goes, "Fine. Prove it."
    I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?"
    He goes, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that."
    I'm like, "Oh, do you only watch scenes with two women together?"
    He goes, "No, I watch a man and woman making love."
    I'm like, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a small half-flaccid penis?"
    He goes, "No, I like to see a big hard, throbbing--" "Do you like chocolate?"

    7

    BACKSTAGE: THE ADVENTURES OF SENOR WHITE

    T he opening shot is from high overhead. We're looking down at a ditch at the side of a dirt road in Mexico. Zoom in a little, there's somebody laying in the ditch. Closer. It's me. Passed out, no shoes, empty bottle of scotch in my hand.
    And my voice-over says, "I've always loved Mexico."
    That was the first scene of a pilot for a sitcom that Fox produced in Los Angeles in the winter of 2003. It was gonna be called Senor White . And what it was about was my real-life