The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook

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Authors: Matt Dunn
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back in her face.’
    ‘No. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not homeless. I have a flat. In Brighton. And I’ve got plenty of money. Look.’
    I reach into my jacket and get out my wallet to show Sally, much to the disgust of a middle-aged couple and their teenage son standing nearby, who have witnessed the whole incident.
    ‘How could you?’ says the woman. ‘Taking money from those who really need it.’
    ‘Shame on you,’ adds her husband.
    ‘Wanker,’ says the son, followed by ‘Ouch!’ as his mother gives him a clip round the ear.
    A small crowd is beginning to form. ‘What’s wrong?’ asks a large donkey-jacketed man, walking up to the couple.
    The woman points at me scornfully. ‘He’s pretending to be homeless so he can sell the Big Issue !’
    ‘Disgraceful.’
    ‘Shouldn’t be allowed.’
    ‘You need help, you sad git.’
    ‘I—I’m not…’ I look around in vain for the young girl so I can give her money back and clear this whole mess up, but she’s disappeared somewhere into the throng of commuters. To be honest, I’m wishing I could do the same, before the crowd light torches and chase me along the platform. Fortunately, Sally takes control and leads me away.
    We walk quickly out of the station and find sanctuary in a nearby pub, where I explain my dilemma with Jane. But once I’ve finished, instead of the sympathy I was hoping for, Sally starts to laugh.
    ‘So, let me get this straight. The girl you dumped me for ten years ago has suddenly dumped you?’
    ‘That’s right.’
    ‘And so you want the girl you dumped’s advice, on how you’ve “lost your way”, so you can try and win back the girl you dumped me for?’
    When I nod hopefully, Sally stops laughing abruptly. ‘I don’t know whether to be angry or feel sorry for you.’
    ‘Please, Sally. I need your help.’
    ‘And just why should I help you, Edward? After all, I’m the injured party here. And besides, I never liked that Jane Scott. She stole my boyfriend, don’t forget.’
    ‘Sally, that was a long time ago. And we’d been going out for, what, three weeks? We hadn’t even…’
    Sally folds her arms defiantly. ‘That’s not the point.’
    ‘Well, if it makes any difference, I apologize for treating you so badly. I did feel guilty about it at the time.’
    ‘Well,’ sniffs Sally, ‘that’s something, I suppose.’
    ‘Even though…’
    ‘Even though what?’
    ‘From what I remember, you got over me pretty quickly.’
    Sally gets all defensive. ‘What do you mean? How exactly did I get over you “pretty quickly”?’
    ‘By getting under Dan Davis. That night. On the lawn.’
    It’s Sally’s turn to look guilty. ‘You knew about that?’ she says, blushing.
    ‘Sally, we all knew about that. Quite a few of us saw it. Some even took photos. I think Dan still has the negatives.’
    For a moment, a dreamy look passes across her face. ‘Dan Davis. Whatever happened to him?’
    ‘I don’t know,’ I say, fed up with constantly having to answer that question. ‘Prison, I think.’
    ‘Prison?’
    I nod, and offer Sally a cigarette, but she waves the pack away disapprovingly. I light one for myself, and take a long drag. ‘Anyway, back to me. Please. Just tell me—how am I different?’
    Sally leans forward in her chair, puts her elbows on the table, and studies me over the top of her glasses.
    ‘You want me to be honest?’
    I swallow hard. ‘Brutally.’
    ‘Well, there’s the cigarettes, for a start.’ She waves my smoke away from her face. ‘Disgusting habit.’
    I get the hint, and stub my Marlboro out reluctantly. ‘Sorry.’
    ‘Much better,’ says Sally, taking a deep breath. ‘Now, are you sitting comfortably?’
    1.51 p.m.
    I’m wishing I’d brought a pen and paper, so comprehensive is Sally’s dismantling of my present self. Fortunately, though, from memory it’s not too dissimilar to Dan’s list, and while the details may be a little blurry, what is clear to me is that

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