Free The Motel Life by Willy Vlautin Page A

standing there. I think I clocked you at ten minutes, maybe fifteen. I didn’t see you move once. Just standing there with the hose.’
    ‘I just started thinking about stuff. I’m not sure why it happens. I don’t know, guess I get scared, and sometimes I sorta black out because of it.’
    ‘I’d be scared too. If I were you I’d be shitting in my pants. It’s hard being alone.’
    ‘I’ll be all right.’
    ‘I hope so. There’s a good chance you might be,’ he said and looked for the old lady who ran the place. When she came around he ordered another drink and another Coke for me.
    ‘Seems like you’re a pretty tough kid. Look, here’s a piece of advice. I don’t know if it’s any good or not for you, you’re the only one who’ll know if it is. What you got to do is think about the life you want, think about it in your head. Make it a place where you want to be: a ranch, a beach house, a penthouse on the top of a skyscraper. It doesn’t matter what it is, but a place that you can hide out in. When things get rough, go there. And if you find a place and it quits working, just change it. Change it depending on the situation, depending on your mood. Look at it this way, it’ll be like your good luck charm. Make up a place that’s good, that gives you strength, that no one can take away. Then when everybody’s on your ass, or you can’t stop thinking about your mom, you can go there.’
    ‘Okay,’ I said.
    ‘Does that make sense?’
    ‘I think so,’ I said. ‘Could it help my brother Jerry Lee?’
    ‘I don’t know. Tell him to try it. Or tell him about yours. I used to tell Barry stories all the time when his life was rough. Some of them were true, others I just made up, but they seemed to help him out. Gave him a place to escape to, gave him hope. Hope is the key. You can make shit up, there’s no law against that. Make up some place you and your brother can go if you want. It might not work, but it might. Ain’t too hard to try.’
    ‘Do you have a place you go?’
    ‘Sure,’ he said, ‘I go to it a couple times a day. Being an old man, I can’t sleep worth a shit anymore, sometimes late at night I’ll just lay there, and wonder what the fuck I’m going to do. I’m sleeping with nothing but a couple old dogs who steal the covers, I own a half-ass used car lot, and I can’t stop drinking. Sure, I got a place.’
    ‘The lot’s great,’ I said.
    ‘Shit, kid, it’s a waste of fucking time,’ he said.
    ‘You keep getting more cars,’ I said.
    ‘That’s not the point. I’m not the point,’ he said and smiled. ‘You’re the point.’
    ‘I’ll get a place,’ I said.
    ‘Good,’ he said. ‘I hope it helps. If you need anything, anything at all, just let me know. I’m not bullshitting about that either. Let me or Barry know. Barry’s a good one, he’s been through the wringer so he might be able to help you out more than me. I’m talking money and advice. If you get in any trouble, shit like that. It’s easy to get in trouble when you first get out on your own. Everyone does. You probably will, so just let me know. And try to stay in school. I’m serious. Life can fuck you hard. You got to be smart about the decisions you make. School’s easy, there’s girls, you can get free lunch there, you can probably get breakfast too, it’s more or less peaceful. Better than working for Connelly Concrete.’
    ‘I’ll try,’ I said.
    ‘Good,’ he said and smiled. ‘Now let’s eat. They got great ravioli and great pizza. The service is slow, the old lady keeps getting older, but she can still cook, and we don’t have any place we got to be either. Barry can fend for himself.’
    ‘All right,’ I said and smiled at him. ‘But we got to remember to get him something to eat.’
    ‘Good memory, son. After this,’ he said, ‘I’m thinking we’ll either go bowling or maybe go down to the Cal Neva and you can watch me gamble.’
    That evening as I lay in bed I stared