Free The Fandom of the Operator by Robert Rankin Page A

for a volunteer. They wanted someone a bit special, because he would be the first man ever to set foot on this planet, which would mean that his name would go down in history and everyone would remember him for ever more (after his mission had been successful, of course, and later people had gone out to colonize this new world).
    Eventually they settled on this chap whose name was Adam. Well, he had the perfect name, didn’t he? And he had a nice family with three sons and was an all-round nice fellow. And a very good spaceship pilot who flew flights to Uranus. And so Adam said that he would be pleased to go, even though it meant that he might never see his family again, but he felt certain that he would, because it was such a good spaceship and the scientists were so clever and everything.
    So, there were a lot of broadcasts on everyone’s wrist televisions and a big parade and Adam got into the spaceship and waved goodbye and was frozen up and the rocket blasted off into space.
    And that was the last that anyone on Earth ever saw of Adam.
    He travelled across the universe at the speed of light, covering unimaginable distances, and his spaceship went on and on and on, searching for the perfect planet.
    And then one day – it must have been thousands of years later – his spaceship eventually found the perfect planet and landed and Adam unfroze and opened the door and stepped out of the spaceship.
    And found that he was back on Earth.
    Well, at least it looked just like Earth.
    And not just because of the trees and flowers. But because of the buildings and flying cars and all the people who were gathered around looking up at his spaceship.
    And then out of the crowd appeared this chap who looked just like Adam. Just like him. And this chap said, “Hello, Dad,” and another chap said, “Hello, Granddad,” then another appeared and said, “Hello, Great-Granddad,” and another who said, “Hello, Great-Great-Granddad.”
    And they all looked like Adam.
    And Adam got a little confused.
    And so the one who had said, “Hello, Dad,” explained the situation to him. He said, “Well, Dad, after you’d gone, time passed and I grew up, and I became a scientist and I looked at the plans for your spaceship and I said, ‘I can improve on that. I can make a spaceship that will travel twice the speed of light.’ So I did and I got in it and I got here in half the time it took you to get here. But when I did, I found that my own son was already here, because while I’d been gone he’d grown up and become a scientist and looked at the plans of my spaceship and said, ‘I can improve on that,’ and built a spaceship that could go four times the speed of light and he’d got here in half the time it had taken me to get here. But when he’d got here, he’d found that his own son was already here, because he’d grown up and improved the spaceship even more and got here in half the time again. But when he got here, he found that
his
son was already here because—”
    “Stop, stop,” said Adam. “This is driving me insane. How many generations of me are there here?”
    “Thousands and thousands and thousands,” said the son, “and not just here, but on every other habitable planet in the universe. The universe is now all completely overcrowded by generations and generations of you.”
    Adam went back into his spaceship, and if he’d had a revolver to hand he would have shot his brains out. But he didn’t. Although he might well have done. But he was a very nice man and none of this was really his fault, so he left his spaceship and went down to the crowd and was carried shoulder-high by the crowd, for being such a pioneer and everything, and finally he had a meal out at a nice restaurant that had about three thousand tables in it, so that a few of his descendants could dine with him too.
    And it was over the meal that his son put a proposition to him.
    “Dad,” said his son. “As the universe is all full up now,