Free Downtrodden Abbey: The Interminable Saga of an Insufferable Family by Gillian Fetlocks Page B

parlour for war veterans, I just feel like we’re losing our identity.”
    *   *   *
    Handsom is turned down for military service due to overly audible snoring.
    Meanwhile, Enid flirts incessantly with the incoming visitors to the hair treatment center, washing, deep-conditioning, and rinsing, and experiencing the satisfaction of being of service. Vile returns from a visit with Slovenia in London as the Crawfish family is dining.
    “Are you sitting down?” she asks.
    “Of course,” says Lord Crawfish. “What does it look like?”
    “It’s an expression. I have a juicy piece of gossip. It seems that Atchew’s fiancée, Slovenia, is a spy. She stole documents from her uncle’s cousin’s friend’s brother’s sister-in-law, which were then given to Dick Calamine … who she is sleeping with, by the way.”
    Lady Marry is devastated. She is torn between a philistine who cannot differentiate his eating utensils and a lecherous toilet tissue magnate. As it happens, they are each carrying on with another woman, who happens to also be the same woman. Her mind thoroughly boggled, Marry takes to bed for several days, with a stack of magazines and a frozen cheesecake she finds in the icebox, made in town by a certain Miss Tess Coe.
    Laizy expresses concern that when Fodder returns from the front lines, he will not only continue to pursue her, but ask her complicated math problems, one of his many irritating habits. Mrs. Patmimore assures Laizy that Fodder is a buffoon who will accept love from just about anything. She suggests that Laizy try to encourage a romance between Fodder and a Persian rug in the library.
    General Smutt, a decorated officer, visits Downtrodden Abbey for dinner. Tomaine proceeds to re decorate him. While a brilliant military strategist, Smutt is known to possess a filthy mind, with no filter between his prurient thoughts and his tongue.
    “A mighty tasty piece of meat,” Smutt says as he chews Mrs. Patmimore’s leathery prime rib while eyeing Lady Supple. “In fact, I could see sharing the rest of my life with it and making it do all sorts of nasty things to me in the bedroom.”
    “Happy to see that our cook hasn’t lost her touch,” says Lord Crawfish, never one to comprehend double entendre.
    “General, why don’t you keep your meat in your trousers?” Supple suggests.
    “I would be happy to tenderize the general’s meat,” offers Enid.
    “Keep your day job, Tootsie,” General Smutt says. “Has anyone ever told you that you’ve got a face for radio?”
    “Why is everyone so consumed with this blasted ‘radio’ gizmo?” asks Vile, shaking her jowls huffily.
    In the pantry, Nana finds a note written by Handsom, saying that by the time she reads this, he will be getting carted off to jail for pulling the general’s chair out from under him when he moves into the drawing room after dinner.
    At the last minute, however, as he approaches the chair in question, Handsom is wrestled to the ground by staff members, as is the chair. Handsom tells Supple that he was only planning to embarrass the general, and he had a rubber chicken and a whoopee cushion at the ready if the chair stunt had failed. As amusing as those pranks may have been, he awaits rather serious consequences for his actions.
    Fodder proposes to Laizy. Rather than hurt his feelings she decides to accept, and spend the rest of her life in the company of the dim-witted social outcast.
    As for Clang, Lord Crawfish must take him aside and deliver some harsh news.
    “Clang, I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go.”
    “Go where?”
    Lord Crawfish sighs. He knew this was going to be difficult.
    “Your services are no longer required at Downtrodden Abbey.”
    Clang beams. “Oh, that’s smashing—you mean I can just live here now and have everyone else do the labourious bits?”
    Much as the sounds of dishes smashing, windows breaking, and the disappointment over his inferior domestic skills will be missed,