Free Love Creeps by Amanda Filipacchi Page B

her a strange feeling of sadness that this was the level at which things could feel right and good. Roland better not move a hair and ruin this one sweet moment for her, or she would kill him.
    He did not.
    And the raccoon bit her.
    She yanked her hand away, looking at the animal with shock as it ran into the bushes. He had bitten her out of the blue, the brute.
    â€œIs it bleeding?” Roland asked.
    â€œYes.”
    As they walked back to the hotel to find the manager, Roland furtively dropped a button and said, “I told you that you should have fed me the bread. I wouldn’t have bitten you.”
    â€œThere has been one instance,” Max said, “in these parts, of someone catching rabies from a raccoon. The only way you can tell if someone has it is to do an autopsy. If you’re not sure, you have to get six shots over the course of a month. Was the raccoon aggressive? Or strangely forward? Did it approach you without fear? Sort of like … oh, I don’t know … a stalker?”
    â€œNo, not without fear. It took a while for it to eat out of my hand.”
    â€œThat’s a good sign. But I still think you should see a doctor on Monday. Symptoms don’t often appear before two weeks, but if you wait until they do appear, there’s no treatment, you die.”
    â€œWhat are the symptoms?” Roland asked.
    â€œIrritability, headaches, fever, spasms of the throat muscles, and, eventually, convulsions and delirium. The girl who died of rabies had everything going for her. It’s a very painful death. And, obviously, it’s contagious.” Max looked at Lynn. “If you start acting strangely, I will have to put you down.”
    â€œYou mean kill me?” Lynn said.
    â€œIf I see no alternative.”
    â€œThat’s ridiculous.”
    â€œJust don’t act strangely.”
    All three stared at each other for a few seconds. Abruptly, Max said to Roland, “Simon Peach called for you again. He wondered if you had gotten his first message.”
    Lynn had an introspective, preoccupied look on her face during dinner. She was trying to detect rabid feelings in herself, feelings of aggressiveness. She worried that she might be salivating more than usual. And she felt strangely drawn to her knife.
    She complained of these things to Roland, who tried to get her mind off them. To get one’s mind off a worry, there’s nothing like replacing it by another worry. So Roland talked to her about her desire for nothing and how unpleasant it must have been and must still be, and soon she was no longer complaining about strange attractions to knives.
    Max had prepared them vegetable lasagna. He joined them for a few minutes, addressing Roland while looking at Lynn. “Earlier she mentioned being your stalker. I know it’s probably wrong of me, but in my mind I tend to equate stalker with whore.”
    Lynn and Roland looked at Max, thinking he was completely insane.
    Roland came to Lynn’s defense. “Lynn stalks me not because she desires me, but because she doesn’t.”
    â€œWhatever,” Max said, nodding, and looked at Lynn. “I guess the reason I equate female stalkers with whores is that I assume they’re desperate to have sex. So at some point if I happen to say to you, ‘Do you want to sit on my cock?” please don’t take it personally. I would say that to any female stalker who’s not one of my own stalkers. Oh, and as you may have noticed, I wear a codpiece, which shouldn’t frighten you. It’s true I have a larger penis than most men, particularly in these parts, but it’s not quite as big as the codpiece might lead you to believe.”
    â€œIs this some sort of show you put on to entertain your guests?” Roland asked.
    â€œNow I’m offended.”
    â€œYou’re offended!”
    Max nodded. No one spoke, so Max got up, and said, “It’s okay, I’ll get over