Free The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole by Sue Townsend Page A

anorak.
    I am reading
Sex, The Facts
, by Dr A.P. G. Haig.

Thursday July 16th
    11 AM
. My father got his redundancy cheque today. He did cowboy whoops up and down the hall. He has asked Doreen Slater to go out with him to celebrate. Guess who Maxwell’s baby sitter is going to be? Yes, dear diary, you guessed right! It is I!

    11 PM
. Maxwell has only just gone to sleep, Pandora rang up at nine-thirty and asked how I was doing. I couldn’t hear her properly because Maxwell was screaming so loudly. Pandora said I should try putting vodka in some hot milk and forcing it down his vile throat. I have just done it. And it worked. He is not a bad kid when he is asleep.

Friday July 17th
    Full Moon

    My precious love leaves these shores tomorrow. I am going to the airport to see her off. I hope her plane won’t suffer from metal fatigue. I have just checked the world map to see where Tunisia is, and I am most relieved to see that Pandora won’t have to fly through the Bermuda triangle.
    If anything happened to my love I would never smile again.
    I have bought her a book to read during the flight. It is called
Crash!
, by a bloke called William Golden-stein, III . It is very good on what to do if the worst happens.

Saturday July 18th
    Pandora read the
Crash!
book in the coach on the way to the airport. When her flight was called she had slight hysterics and her father had to carry her up the steps. I waved to the plane until it had retreated into a large cloud, then I sadly got on a coach and came back home. How I will get through the next fortnight I don’t know. Goodnight, my Tunisian beauty.

Sunday July 19th
    Fifth after Trinity

    Stayed in bed and looked at Tunisia on the map.

Monday July 20th
    Not had a postcard from my love yet.

Tuesday July 21st
    Bert came round this morning. He said that Tunisia is full of hazards.

Wednesday July 22nd
    Why haven’t I had a postcard yet? What can have happened?

Thursday July 23rd
    Asked our postman about communications between Tunisia and England. He said that they were ‘diabolical’; he said that the Tunisian GPO depends on camels.

Friday July 24th
    Moon’s Last Quarter

    Went to see Mr Singh. He said that Tunisia is very unhygienic. Everybody but me seems to be familiar with Tunisia!

Saturday July 25th
    PANDORA! PANDORA! PANDORA!
Oh! my love,
    My heart is yearning,
    My mouth is dry,
    My soul is burning.
    You’re in Tunisia,
    I am here.
    Remember me and shed a tear.
    Come back tanned and brown and healthy.
    You’re lucky that your dad is wealthy.

    She will be back in sixdays
.

Sunday July 26th
    Sixth after Trinity

    Went for tea at grandma’s. I was sad and withdrawn because of Pandora’s sojourn in Tunisia. Grandmaasked if I was constipated. I nearly said something, but what’s the use of trying to explain
love
to a woman of seventy-six who thinks the word is obscene?

Monday July 27th
    A camel postcard! It said:
Dearest,

    Economic conditions here are quite dreadful. I was going to buy you a present but instead I gave all my money to a beggar. You have such a generous heart Adrian that I feel sure you will understand. All my love into infinity.

    For ever,
    Pandora

    Fancy giving my present money to a filthy, idle beggar! Even our postman was disgusted.

Tuesday July 28th
    It’s a wonder I have the strength to hold my pen! I have been on the go all day with preparations for the Royal Wedding street party. Mrs O’Leary came over and asked if I would help with the bunting. I said ‘I feel it is my patriotic duty’. Mrs O’Leary said that if I climbed the ladder she would pass the bunting upto me. I was all right for the first four or five rungs but then I made the mistake of looking down and I had a vertigo attack, so Mrs O’Leary did all the climbing. I couldn’t help noticing Mrs O’Leary’s knickers. They are surprisingly sexy for someone who goes to church every day and twice on Sundays. Black lace! With red-satin ribbons! I got the feeling that Mrs