Free Blood of Destiny (Witch Fairy #6) by Bonnie Lamer Page B

question.  It’s amazing how the brain always seems to prioritize the worst possible reasons first.  For instance, no, he doesn’t want to make love to me.  I close my eyes against the coming rejection.
     
    “Xandra, open your eyes and look at me.” 
     
    “No, you can say whatever you have to say while my eyes are closed.”
     
    Using his thumb and index finger, he pries one of my eyes open.  “I would like to have a conversation with you.  Those usually go better with eye contact.”
     
    In lieu of him forcing my other eye open, I give in and open them both.  He smiles and shakes his head.  “If we are to be married, we both need to rid ourselves of our insecurities.  I want nothing more in the world than to make love to you, which you should know by now.”
     
    “Then what’s the problem?  We’re alone.  We’re planning to get married as soon as possible.”  And the clincher, “We’ve done it before.  It won’t even hurt me.”
     
    Bringing that last little bit up hurts him, though.  I can see it in his eyes but he doesn’t acknowledge it.  “Yes, we have.  And for some reason – I believe the blame lies within the magic of the Apsaras – we did so without any thought in the world about birth control.  Have you not thought about the fact that you could be pregnant right now?  And if you are not, do you want to become that way?  I love you, more than anything, but I would like to spend some years just the two of us before we start a family.  If you are already pregnant, then so be it.  We will still be happy.  If you are not, then we need to figure out what to do to prevent you from becoming so.”
     
    As he speaks, every last red blood cell in my head has decided to swim downstream.  Even without a mirror, I can tell that my face is ghostly white.  I probably look like Mom and Dad at the moment.  Pregnant?  At seventeen?  I’m now imagining all the ways that Mom and Dad will kill me.  I can see Isla’s face turning stormy as she does the same to Kallen. 
     
    I am not ready to be a mother.  I have a hard enough time keeping myself out of trouble, let alone a small child.  Not to mention all the people who want to kill me outside of my immediate family.  Saying ‘excuse me, could you hold off trying to kill me a moment while I change my baby’s diaper?’ is probably not going to be very effective in preventing my demise. 
     
    A baby.  Ambriel is right.  I am self-centered, because all I can think about right now is how my life will change for the worse if I’m pregnant.  There is so much I want to see and do and learn.  I still have hopes for college, maybe, or vacations to exotic places with friends.  Places that wouldn’t be the same to visit with a baby stroller.  I want to spend time learning about my heritage, hone my magical skills.  I have selfish dreams that I want to share with Kallen.  And, right now, I want to keep most of my time with Kallen private.  I’m not ready to share his love and affection yet.  And yes, darn it, I’ll admit that I’m not mature enough to handle the responsibility of a baby.  At this point in my life, I don’t know that I could be the kind of loving, understanding and patient mother that I hope to be someday.  Sure, I’m loving towards my family and Kallen, but understanding isn’t even in my vocabulary.  Pig-headed would be a more apt description of me.  And most importantly, I haven’t seen the right side of patience since birth.  I always thought I’d have time to grow into all of these things before having a baby. 
     
    “Xandra,” Kallen says.  I can hear the worry in his voice.  “Xandra, answer me please.”
     
    I meet his eyes with mine.  “Pregnant?  Why didn’t you bring this up earlier?”  Yeah, like he should have been the only one thinking about the possibility.
     
    His lips are in a grim line.  “Because I was too angry with you for making that deal with Ambriel to worry