Free Life As I Blow It by Sarah Colonna Page A

in a small town. I actually tried really hard to bond with her husband when they got together our senior year. I even had sex with his brother a couple of times, and that guy had some issues and was really into rodeos. I was being a really good friend to put myself in that kind of position. He wasn’t impressed.
    I noticed Lindsay was starting to take on her husband’s attitude toward me. She would ask in a really condescending tone what I was doing out so late the night before. She was judging me because I had chosen a different life than she did. One day she randomly called and asked me when I was going to grow up.
    â€œI just started college, so probably not for a few more years,” I replied, annoyed.
    â€œWell, don’t you think it’s time you started acting like an adult?”
    â€œI’m eighteen. I’m not supposed to yet.”
    â€œEighteen is when you become an adult,” she lectured.
    â€œNo, eighteen is when some people are forced to become an adult because their boyfriend doesn’t believe in birth control.”
    We didn’t talk much after that. I didn’t need or want to be judged by people who were convinced that the way they lived their lives was the only way. To this day I don’t have time for people like that. It stung to lose her, but we were going in different directions.
    Andy filled the void I felt that Lindsay had left and suddenly I had the new Thelma to my Louise, although he wouldn’t let me call him that. We were inseparable. The only time I can remember us even fighting was over the name ofthose Little Debbie cakes that are round and white with black stripes. Zebra Cakes, by the way. And they’re delicious.
    Since Andy also worked at Bert’s, he knew Caryn. I started to notice a spark between them, so I got really excited at the idea of setting them up.
    I don’t know if you’ve ever been in love with someone, not realized it, and then set them up with your roommate. I don’t recommend it. The second Andy and Caryn started to date, I was in hell. The two of them together were nauseating. I asked everyone else I knew why they were so annoying, but nobody seemed to see it. I was the only one bothered by their union.
Oh, shit …
    As girly as Caryn was, she loved to fart. I’ve never understood that. I won’t even talk about going number two if a guy is around, let alone do it. I’d prefer to suffer silently and cause permanent damage to my colon. Caryn was the complete opposite. She farted all the time around Andy, and I could tell he hated it. It really seemed to turn him off, so I encouraged her to keep doing it.
    â€œGuys love when you are just yourself!” I told her. “Don’t hold back anything—he wants to feel like you’re one of the guys. Plus I’ve read that it’s bad for you to hold it in!”
    One day Andy told me he was starting to feel like Caryn was just one of the guys rather than his girlfriend. He told me she farted in front of him. I told him she was probably manic-depressive. I was doing all I could.
    I attempted to keep my mind off being in love with my best friend by sleeping with other guys. The first guy I used as a distraction was named Max. He was flawless. Gorgeous. Complete with a blond ponytail (when that was in). He was a frat boy
and
he waited tables at Fuzzy’s, so flirting with him often landed me a free pitcher or two of beer. I guess Ihad a thing for waiters when I was in college, but at least this one never pulled a gun on me.
    I noticed that broke Marty would always offer to pay when Max was working, even when it wasn’t his pay week. Obviously he’d caught on to the freebies I was getting and figured that if he offered but there was no bill to pay, he’d still get credit for offering. I couldn’t get mad at him. It was actually kind of ingenious.
    Max was the unattainable hot waiter to pretty much everyone who went in to