Free The Two-Bear Mambo by Joe R. Lansdale Page B

said, "and we thought
    you might know something about her. Her name is Florida Grange."
    "Colored gal?" Cantuck said.
    "Could be her," Leonard said. "Depends on what color she was."
    "You tryin' to be funny?" Cantuck said.
    "I didn't say I was the Funniest Nigger in the World, I said I was the Smartest Nigger in the World."
    "You're about to be the Most Ass-Whupped Nigger in the World."
    Leonard got that look in his eye. The one he gets when he's burning the house next door or administering a serious head beating to some fool who has pushed too far.
    "Come on, Leonard," I said. "Shut up, would you?"
    Leonard studied Cantuck for a moment, turned and walked back to his car and got inside.
    "He's just worried," I said. "You see, she's his sister."
    "Yeah?" Cantuck said. "Well, I'll tell you something. I don't give a flying shit if she's his fucking Siamese twin and she left town with his left nut in her pocket. Ain't no nigger gonna be funny on me. And what the fuck you doin' hangin' around with a coon like that? We don't cotton to that shit here. I got nigger friends, but I don't associate with 'em."
    "You certainly sound close, you and your nigger friends. Chief, anyone ever tell you guys you might be a little out of step? Behind the times?"
    "Yeah, and we don't give a flying shit."
    "You've heard of civil rights, of course?"
    "Yeah, and I uphold them, they got to be upheld. That's what that gal was here about, some nigger's civil rights. Ain't my fault the stupid fuck hung himself."
    "I don't care about any of that. I just want to know about Florida."
    Cantuck paused, gave me a look I couldn't quite decipher. He said, "Comely nigger. I've always said I'd fuck a nigger, but wouldn't tell anybody, but that one I'd fuck and maybe brag on it a time or two. She had an ass on her."
    Deep breath, Hap. He's just a stereotypical ignorant redneck. You've known them before. Nothing you say will alter their thinking. Nothing short of death will change them.
    "You see," I said, "they work for me. Leonard and Florida. They're good workers, and now and then, well, me and her. Shit, Chief, after what you just said, you know what I mean."
    I grinned in what I hoped was a lecherous manner.
    Cantuck smiled. "My daddy used to tell me a nigger gal wasn't good for but one thing, and they were damn good at that. He was Chief here way back, and he dealt with a lot of niggers. Niger gals paid him a lot of fines in a special manner. If you know what I mean. I take after my old man in that department. I'll fuck anything that ain't nailed down and has a hole. In fact, when I was a boy, I tore the ass out of a few chickens putting the dick to 'em. Got so every time my mama found a dead chicken she'd take the belt to me, whether I did it or not. Pigs squealed at night, Mom came in my room and beat me."
    "No wonder you got a strained nut."
    "Yeah. Well, maybe that's what happened. I do dearly love to fuck . . . My nut really look bad?"
    "Well, I was you, I'd get a truss or something. Shit, man, don't that hurt?"
    "Not if I turn kinda casual like."
    "Not to dismiss a man's nuts too lightly, Chief, but where is Florida?"
    "Hell, boy, it's gettin' cold out here. Let's you and me go sit in the car and talk."
    I got in on the passenger side. There was a shotgun on a rack between myself and Cantuck. He cranked the car and turned on the heater. On the dash, and stuck all about the car, there was
    every kind of charity sticker you could imagine. Muscular dystrophy. Diabetes. Cancer.
    "You give to all those charities?" I asked. "Or do you just collect stickers?"
    "I give," he said. "A dollar or two here and there. It ain't like I'm raking in the big bucks here, so I don't give much, but I give. I think it's something you ought to do. Christian charity. I had a son had MD. He died of it just last year. Since then, and even before, I can't stand to see nobody crippled, not even a nagger."
    He sat quietly for a moment, staring at the MD sticker. "That boy of mine," he