Free Mostly Dead (Barely Alive #3) by Bonnie R. Paulson Page B

that. You don’t understand what happens to us.” I couldn’t look him in the face. I didn’t want to picture how his features would look after a few more weeks. “We can’t keep our bodies alive. They die. Our brains don’t. Do you hear me? You literally fall apart around your brain. No matter how much you eat. And all you want to do is eat. That’s it. But you never eat enough and your body dies. The only way to die altogether is by burning in fire.”
    “ No it makes sense. I kept asking myself why you’re thinking about making a bonfire when we reach Sandpoint.” James shook his head, disbelief narrowing his eyes. “You’re going to kill yourself? That’s just great, Paul. Exactly what we need.”
    I slapped my hand on the side of the bike. The sting did little to ease my abrupt anger. “Damn it. Are you going to be able to shovel me into a furnace after I can’t move anymore? After my tendons and ligaments don’t work right because my muscles have either fallen off or I’ve eaten them? Are you? Are you going to apologize to Mom for the last few times she’s been around me, I’ve tried eating her? I can’t talk? All I can do is groan and grunt because I ate my tongue?”
    He jerked back, shock rippling across his face.
    My breaths came short and fast, but I couldn’t stop. All of my worries over the last few weeks poured forth and he wasn’t safe. “If I don’t do it… If I don’t take care of myself, you’ll never know that I’m still in trapped in my brain, watching the world around me, and I can’t interact. Do you get that?” I held up my graying hands. “This? This shit is just the start. Once I’m completely gray, parts will start turning black. My heart will stop. My breathing will only be habit and I’ll rattle.” I spit the last word.
    James hung his head, breaking eye contact.
    My hands shook. At least adrenaline still pumped through me.
    Heather laid her hand on my arm. I’d forgotten she was there. A first for me since my world seemed to revolve around her. Tears filled her eyes. “You’re dying? For real?”
    Had she thought I was teasing ? “Not something I’d joke about.” But the words didn’t come out sarcastic or sharp. They were fuzzy and soft and I don’t even think James heard them.
    She squeezed the upper part of my bicep , reading something in my eyes that allowed the tears to drop from hers. “Do you know how long you have?”
    I swallowed, my tongue worked like solid sand. “Maybe a day? Not much more, even if I eat human.” Tell her. Tell her. I couldn’t drag the words from my mouth that I’d already eat en people – twice. She had to know. I didn’t want to die with truths like that hidden away. Somehow she had to know.
    James coughed.
    Heather glanced at my brother.
    He spoke slow ly. “I think Paul wants to tell you something, but he can’t.”
    I stared at the black pavement where it met the gray guardrail. I couldn’t decide which was more humiliating, me standing there like an ass or my brother confessing for me like I was a pussy. Great.
    He continued. “Um, well, he ate meat when he was with Dominic. And… again, after, when he was with Brian.”
    She didn’t remove her hand from me, but she slid her fingers down to my wrist. “I don’t understand. He’s eaten meat with us since Vegas.”
    “Not this kind of meat.” He rushed on, as if he could feel my urgency and shame. “He didn’t feed it to himself. He didn’t choose to eat them. Dominic and Brian fed him the meat. He didn’t kill the girl or the old man.”
    Heather jerked her fingers from me. I couldn’t look at her.
    James didn’t stop. “He didn’t want to, but he would’ve died. He didn’t have control over himself.” He shrugged and met my gaze. “I don’t know that I wouldn’t have done the same thing with less incentive. Meat is meat, man.”
    I peeked at Heather.
    Anger flushed her smooth skin. Her lips puckered tight. She finally loosened them to