clubbing!
As soon as I step off the elevator and onto my floor, a text comes in from Paige.
Whereâd u go?
I hesitate for a second, then decide to avoid and deflect.
Is Celia okay?
Sheâs fine, sheâs sleeping.
Pause.
Where r u???
I donât feel so goodâtoo much sun, I thinkâgonna head back to my room and nap for a bit.
Wow. That lie slipped out of me like it was nothing. Of course, itâs a temporary solutionâa pretend nap isnât going to keep them from wondering where I am all night.
But whatever. Iâll worry about Celia and Paige later. Planning things out hasnât gotten me anywhere. I mean, I tried to plan out my whole summer, my whole next year, my whole future , and look what happened. It all fell apart. So I think itâs probably better to take this night moment by moment. As soon as I decide this, I feel almost giddy. I for sure could be having a mental breakdown.
When I open the door to my hotel room a few seconds later, Lylaâs there, sitting cross-legged on her bed. Her presence throws meâI wasnât expecting anyone to be here. She looks up at me and our eyes meet, and in that second, I miss her so much I can hardly take it.
I suddenly wish the three of us were still friends, thatwe were here on this trip together, that I wasnât stuck with Paige and Celia. If I were here with Lyla and Aven, I wouldnât have to pretend I didnât get into Stanford. Lyla and Aven donât care about stuff like thatâif Iâd told them I didnât get in, theyâd understand. Theyâd help me come up with a way to tell my parents, theyâd soothe me and tell me all about how Yale and Georgetown are completely amazing schools, theyâd take me out to a club if thatâs what I wanted to do, even if they thought it was a dumb idea.
I hesitate for a second, then turn and walk into the bathroom without saying anything to Lyla. Then I turn around and come back out. If Iâm going to be true to my whole not-planning-everything-out strategy, maybe I should try to talk to her. Itâs how Iâm feeling in this moment.
I look at her, sitting there on the bed, and that same feeling of missing her overtakes me. Itâs so strong I feel my eyes fill with tears. The three of us were so closeânot just friends. We were like sistersâso different, but when we were around each other, it didnât matter. I loved hanging out at Avenâs house, cooking out on her grill, swimming in her pool. I loved going shopping with Lyla, waiting patiently while sheâd take her time trying on fifteen different T-shirts before picking out the one she wanted.
I miss them both so much. I want to be friends again.
But when Lyla turns and looks at me, I lose my nerve. What could I possibly say to her that would changeanything? How could I possibly even begin to apologize for what I did to her? Especially since she made it perfectly clear she doesnât want to hear what I have to say.
Now that Iâm out here, though, I canât just turn around and go back into the bathroom without saying anything. Iâll look like a total idiot.
âPlease tell me you didnât use all the hot water,â is what I come up with. Itâs a completely ridiculous thing to sayâwhy the hell would I think she used up all the hot water? Can you even use up all the hot water at a hotel? Iâm pretty sure they have, like, an unlimited supply.
âI didnât use all the hot water,â she says, all snotty-like. âIâve been out of the shower for at least an hour.â
âRight,â I mutter, mostly because I donât want her to think I care. I walk back into the bathroom and shut the door and then I just stand there for a moment, wondering if I should go back out there. I want to tell her about Stanford, I want to ask her what sheâs been up to, I want to ask her what happened between her and her mom and