Free Private Parts by Howard Stern Page A

high-speed chase like that means he didn't get beat enough. They should have tied his testicles to the bumper and then done 115 mph, see how much he would have liked that.
    Those L.A. cops should have done what our New York cops have been doing for years: be real nice to Rodney, gently assist him into the squad car, give him a cup of coffee so he can sober up, take him into the basement of the station house, and beat the living shit out of him. No cameras. No riots. No nothing. Case closed. Justice is served. I love cops. Every time they're on a high-speed chase like that, they're taking their lives in their hands. Who knows what those cretins are packing when they get out of the cars? Cops, you deserve all the doughnuts you can eat. I just can't figure out why I still get traffic tickets.
    Actually, Rodney should get down on his knees and kiss the feet of those officers that wailed on him. Have you seen the before and after pictures of this dude? It was the Rodney King makeover. He went in looking like Skid Row Joe, and after twenty whacks to the head he came out looking like Billy Dee Williams. Nice new 'do. Stylish pencil-thin mustache. He looks like a movie star. They beat all the ugly out of him. Now he's a superstar. He threw out the ball at the first Dodgers home game. Maybe Mike Ovitz will represent him for movie-of-the-week deals. He just turned down a $2 million settlement. This guy is going to be the world's most dangerous millionaire. Can you imagine what happens when he gets his Lamborghini? "UH, MR. KING! PLEASE PULL OVER. YOU'RE DOING 375 MPH IN A 55 ZONE. PLEASE, MR. KING."
    "Sheet, this be fun. What sucker gonna stop me, Rodney King? I gots my own video camera now. Sheet, I can drive a damn helicopter through the Lincoln Tunnel, nobody stop me."
    THE L.A. RIOTS SHOPPING SPREE
    One thing's for certain. Those black folks in South Central L.A. sure know how to make good TV. I couldn't stop watching the live coverage of the riots after the first Rodney King decision. Didn't you love that on-the-spot coverage?
    "We're here live as this supermarket is being looted."
    In the background, guys were carrying garbage pails full of chickens
    
    Orchestrating a wild African jungle scene for the Miss Howard Stern Show contest. Cheetah is played by Stuttering John (far right).
    Women were running around filling up their carts as if they were on "Supermarket Sweep."
    "Let me see if I can get a word in here with one of the participants."
    Participants? Looters? Animals?
    "Uh, miss, do you think this has anything to do with the Rodney King decision?"
    This woman looked at him and said, "Whaaa? I'm busy shopping."
    In the background, a woman was screaming, "IT'S FREE! IT'S FREE! PAYBACK!"
    And they were all proud of what they were doing. I remember the good old days of the Watts riots when the rioters covered their heads like Mafiosi going into the Federal Building. Now it was a friggin' photo opportunity.
    "Hi, I'm looting."
    There was no political agenda behind that rioting. This is what happens when we raise generations of kids who have never been told to do their homework, never been told to wipe their ass, never been told anything by their parents. In fact, it's more than likely that their parents aren't even around. They've got a senile grandparent raising them. Hey, they saw an opportunity and they went for it. And they blamed everybody else. "It's the cops! It's the Koreans! It's the
    
    "Howard Stern is a cultural mirror of what is good and bad in American media. If Howard Stern didn't exist, white trash would not have a superstar." -- Reverend Al Sharpton
    "If you want your radio to burn, stay tuned to Howard Stern."
    -- James Brown
    
    (Above) Here I am, shooting the shit with the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, and the Reverend Al Sharpton; and (left) using a metal detector on rap star Flavor Flav on the set of my E! Entertainment Television show.
    government! It's white people! It's four hundred