Free Diary of a Mad Fat Girl by Stephanie McAfee Page A

alone walk around a war zone in a Kevlar
vest with an M-16.”
    “ I knew you thought he was hot,” Lilly
teases as she reaches in the backseat for the camera. “I saw you
checking him out.”
    “ Me? You were the one looking at the
poor guy like you wanted to tie him to your bedpost and make him
your private sex slave.”
    “ I thought about,” she says and laughs
and I decide not to comment on her gay love triangle or Drake
Driskall.
    “ He really is pretty hot,” I say, “and
funny as hell.”
    “ And so charismatic,” she looks at me, “and all this
time you’ve been running around here calling him Deputy Dumbass.
You should be ashamed of yourself.”
    “ I am very ashamed of myself and from
here on out, I’ll be calling him Deputy Hot ass!” I exclaim and we both crack
up.
    “ I really do like him and he seems so
lonely up here without any friends or family- Hey!” she exclaims,
“I’m going to invite him to the next get-together we have at your
place.”
    “ Sounds good to me. Now let’s get down
to business,” I say and start digging around in my console for the
list of addresses that we put together at Chloe’s. “Fire up that
GPS and let’s get a plan together because I wanna bust Richard
Stacks’ balls and make him eat ’em with a spoon.”
    “ Whoa now, sister. Keep in mind that
we promised to do this on her terms, not ours,” Lilly says as she
punches the addresses into the GPS.
    “ I just wanna beat his face in,” I say
and fantasize for a minute about torturing him to death.
    “ You already beat his face in and
you’re lucky he didn’t press charges,” Lilly says, still looking
down at the GPS. “Alrighty, the closest one is on Elmhurst Street,
so take a left at the light.”
    “ Yes, ma’am.”
    The first address is a bust, along with the
next three, but the fifth house turns out to be a peach. As soon as
we turn into the subdivision, I see that glistening white Lexus
shining like a polished diamond in the moonlight. I slow down as
Lilly fiddles with the high-dollar camera and I ask her if she
knows what she’s doing and she says she does but I’m pretty sure
she doesn’t. At any rate, she leans over and snaps a picture and
the flash is so bright that it blinds us both and I almost run up
into a landscaping ensemble that looks like it cost more than my
car.
    “ Good word, Lilly!” I say. “We’re
gonna look like Tiger Woods out here running over fire hydrants and
shrubbery! Turn that flash off!”
    “ I don’t know how.”
    “ Is that even his car?”
    “ Well, it has ‘Stacks 1’ on the tag so
I think it’s safe to say that it is.”
    “ Who lives there?’
    “ I don’t know,” she replies. “Go check
the mailbox.”
    “ That’s a federal crime!” I pause for
a second. “You go check the mailbox.”
    “ Pull the car back around there and I
will.”
    “ Seriously?” I ask.
    “ Hell yeah!” she exclaims and gives me
a serious look. “Think about Chloe. How pitiful she was today.
Think about what she’s lost.”
    “ I don’t want to vomit right now,” I
say and bust a u-turn on the quiet street.
    “ Stop right here!”
    I turn off my headlights and Lilly hops out,
hijacks the contents of the mailbox, and is back in the car before
I can say shit.
    “ Catalog, junk mail, graduation
invitation, oh yeah! Credit card statement!” she looks over at me.
“Bingo!”
    “ Who still gets their credit card
bills in the mail? Don’t these folks know that there are small time
criminals like us out and about in their ’hoods? Raiding
mailboxes,” I say and crack up at my own joke.
    Lilly examines the billing statement and
doesn’t even give me a courtesy laugh so I decide to follow the GPS
directions to last two houses just to see what they look like.
    “ So it’s broken down into his and hers charges and it appears that Mr. Tate Dannan
does a lot of international travel and Mrs. Dana Dannan has an
affinity for spas and liquor stores.”
    “