Free Enlightened by J.P. Barnaby Page B

grating voice. Her black hair fell in waves around her boyish face, and she moved awkwardly in the heeled shoes she apparently wore only on Sunday. Today, her acne was acting up again, and it was hard to draw my eyes away from the torrent of purplish spots along her cheeks and chin.
    Mrs. Mayfield beamed as she watched the exchange between Jamie and Emma, and I got the feeling that she had sent the girls over to us. It was obvious that Emma was attracted to Jamie. I mean hell, who wouldn’t be? He was smart, sweet, and beautiful. Mrs. Mayfield was obviously pleased that such a wholesome, churchgoing girl was interested in her boy. Then they could get married, live in town, and have a dozen wholesome, churchgoing babies.
    “Hi, Brian,” Karen said, sidling up next to me, her voice a little loud to be polite for post-church chatter. I wasn’t sure if she was interested in me as much as she was interested in getting Emma and Jamie together. They had never displayed this kind of attention in the cafeteria at lunch. Maybe they had just worked up the courage, or maybe there were fewer teenage witnesses at church. More likely, however, was the idea that Jamie’s mother had given them a little pep talk. In any event, they were working their advantage.
    “Hi, Karen,” I mumbled, wondering how I could put off a vibe that said “not interested” without actually giving myself away.
    While making small talk with this overly enthusiastic girl about her quest to become first chair in band, I happened to look over and notice that Jamie was flirting with Emma. He was smiling that secretive campy smile that I thought he saved for me, and then he pushed her frizzy hair back behind her ear. Something in me broke as I watched the exchange. I excused myself quickly, thanking Mrs. Mayfield for letting me stay as I walked purposefully toward the door. Jamie tried calling me back, but I never slowed.
    He called my house three times that day, and each time I asked Carolyn to tell him that I was unavailable. Technically, that was true, because I had a lot to think about. What if Jamie wasn’t gay? What if it was just some different form of our deeper friendship and I was keeping him from a much less complicated life? He could go on to marry a girl, have kids, and be normal. With me, the only thing he could look forward to was a life of hardship and ridicule. On the other hand, I thought after last night things had changed between us. I thought that we were becoming closer, that we were becoming more than just friends. For him to flirt with someone else right in front of me was like a slap in the face, and I didn’t appreciate it. I hated feeling so damn insecure all the time, so unsure about Jamie. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking dangerous.
    When he called the final time, he left a message, and Carolyn came up to my room to deliver it.
    “Brian, darlin’, Jamie called again. I don’t know what kind of disagreement you boys had, but he wants you to meet him tomorrow before school so y’all can talk.” She came over and sat on the bed next to me before continuing. “You and I know that I’m not your real mama, but I love you just the same.” I looked up at her, startled. It was the first time she had ever said those words to me. “I know that I’m not supposed to get attached to the children who stay with us. Richard says that only leads to a broken heart for me, but with you, I can’t help it.”
    Deep down, I really wanted to tell her about Jamie and me, to finally be able to let it out. I just couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in her face, especially right after her admission.
    “You’re the only person I can remember ever wanting to call Mama, Carolyn. I don’t remember my own mother at all, and you’ve treated me better, with more care and respect than I’ve ever had,” I told her sincerely, because I meant every single word. “I wish I could talk about what’s been wrong lately, but I just can’t