Free Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World by Phil McGraw Page B

they’re going to go on my special watch list.”
    And by the way, you don’t have to let everyone into your life in the same way. You can have differing levels of trust, appropriate to your level of involvement with people—strangers, casual acquaintances, people you deal with in business, neighbors, close friends, family members.
    One of my dearest friends is a brilliant billionaire. I could call him right now and say, “Hey, I need you here; I need your help.” And I don’t care what he was doing—he would stop everything, call his pilot, fire up the burner, and be on my doorstep as fast as his private jet could get him here. But, he’s a notorious womanizer. So, if I had a daughter in college or young sister, I definitely wouldn’t say, “Oh, by the way, could you please stop in Dallas on the way and pick her up?” I would trust him with my life but not with my women! Ha! I’m kidding, sort of.
    There are other people I wouldn’t do business with, but I might not tell them to get out of my life. I wouldn’t have them in my home, I wouldn’t lend them my car, and I certainly wouldn’t entrust my kids to them. But if they’re going be at the Sunday social, am I going to skip it? Nope. I don’t think they’re going to pick my pocket, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to invite them in where they could hurt me or take advantage of me. Maybe you have neighbors you say hello to but wouldn’t invite into your home. That’s not being inhospitable; that’s being careful and recognizing limits and boundaries. I have “tennis buddies” who I have “known” for years and trust 100 percent at the level of my involvement with them. I trust them to reliably show up when we set up a game, to not cheat, to not pout, and to not go nuts if they have a bad day. I trust them to play hard, compete well, and generally be pleasant to spend two hours with. Before I would take the relationship to the next level, I would need more information. That they are a good “tennis buddy” is a positive, but it does not mean they would be a good business partner. Plato said, “You can learn more about a man in an hour of play than in a year of conversation,” so it does help—it is data, but it is not sufficient.
    I think it is reckless, not virtuous, to blindly give people the benefit of the doubt.
    What do you need to take a relationship to the next level? Relevant observations and information from which you can make attributions to the person. If it is to determine whether a business relationship is prudent, you need references from people who have been where you are thinking of going. You need a credit and legal history. You need to pay attention to the relevant values they espouse. Given hypotheticals, how do they problem solve? Do not assume that because they are fun to fish with, or go to the movies with, that they are worthy of betting any part of your family’s future on. No benefit of the doubt . That is just bad life management and is excluded from the new “Life Code.”
    Remember I said at the beginning of the chapter that there were people in your past about whom you’d say, “I wish I knew then what I know now?” Well, if you’ve been paying attention to this chapter, you may never have to say that again.

When Warning Bells Go Off
    Now, before I wrap up this chapter, there is one other scan I want you to do. I recommend you get into the habit of doing what I call a “situational scan.” Before I even tell you what I mean, let me assure you that I’m not trying to turn you into a Navy Seal or James Bond or some freaky paranoid who walks into a room and gets all shifty-eyed. But I do want you to develop that “urgent awareness” I have been talking about.
    For some reason, I have had a particular habit throughout my life, even before I was trained in the field of psychology. That habit was to come into any new situation or setting and immediately, consciously, and systematically “scan” the room to