Free Carry On by Rainbow Rowell Page A

lose him.
    What if it’s like that time our collie got hit by a car? I cried, but only because I knew I was supposed to, not because I couldn’t help it.…
    I used to think that maybe I was holding back my feelings for Simon as some sort of self-defence. Like, to protect myself from the pain of losing him, the pain of maybe losing everything—because, if Simon goes, what hope do any of us have?
    (What hope do we have? Simon isn’t the solution to our problems; he’s just a stay of execution.)
    But it isn’t that—it isn’t self-defence.
    I just don’t love Simon enough.
    I don’t love him the right way.
    Maybe I don’t have that sort of love in me—maybe I’m defective.
    And if that’s the case, I may as well stand by Simon, shouldn’t I? If that’s where he wants me? If that’s where everyone expects me to be?
    If it’s the only place I can make any difference?

 
    14
    SIMON
    I spend an hour or so with Agatha, but we don’t say much. I don’t tell her about the Mage.
    (What if Agatha agreed with the Mage? What if she wanted me to go, too? I’d want her to go, if she were in danger at Watford. Hell, she is in danger here. Because of me.)
    When I get back to my room, Penny’s there already, sprawled out with a book on Baz’s bed.
    â€œSo you and Agatha talked?” she asks.
    â€œWe talked.”
    â€œDid she explain? About Baz?”
    â€œI told her not to.”
    Penny sets down her book. “You don’t want to know why your girlfriend was snogging your sworn enemy?”
    â€œI don’t know about ‘sworn,’” I say. “I’ve never taken an oath.”
    â€œI’m pretty sure Baz has.”
    â€œAnyway, they weren’t snogging.”
    Penny shakes her head. “If I caught Micah holding hands with Baz, I’d want an explanation.”
    â€œSo would I.”
    â€œSimon.”
    â€œPenny. Of course you’d want an explanation. That’s you. You like to demand explanations and then tell everyone why their explanations are crap.”
    â€œI do not.”
    â€œYou do. But I—look, I just don’t care. It’s behind us. Agatha and I are fine.”
    â€œI wonder if it’s behind Baz.”
    â€œFuck Baz, he’ll do whatever he can to get to me.”
    And he’ll start just as soon as he shows up. Which could be anytime …
    Almost everyone else is here already. Nobody wants to miss the welcome-back picnic on the Great Lawn tonight. It’s always a big to-do. Games. Fireworks. Spectacle magic.
    Maybe Baz will miss the picnic; he’s never missed it before, but it’s a nice thought.
    *   *   *
    Penny and I meet Agatha out on the Lawn.
    I don’t see Baz, but there are so many people, it’d be easy for him to avoid me if he wanted. (Baz normally makes sure that I see him.)
    The littluns are already playing games and eating cake, some of them wearing their Watford uniforms for the first time. Hats sliding off, ties crooked. There are races and singing. I get a bit choked up during the school song; there’s this line about “those golden years at Watford / those glowing, magickal years” —and it makes me think again about how this is it. Every day I have this year will be the last day like it.
    Last back-to-school picnic.
    Last first day back.
    I make a pig of myself, but Penny and Agatha don’t mind, and the egg and cress sandwiches are to die for. Plus roast chicken. Pork pie. Spice cakes with sour lemon frosting. And jugs of cold milk and raspberry cordial.
    I keep bracing for Baz to show up and ruin everything. I keep looking over my shoulder. (Maybe this is part of his plan—to ruin my night by making me wonder how he’s going to ruin it.) I think Agatha is worried about seeing him, too.
    One thing I’m not worried about is the Humdrum attacking. He sent flying monkeys