Free Boy Toy by Barry Lyga Page B

to apologize for."
    "You caught me off-guard back then. I wasn't expecting you to tear my panties—"
    "I said I'm sorry, Rachel. I swear to God."
    "I mean, we were thirteen! And it's not like no one goes to third or hits a homer at thirteen, but it's usually not so aggressive."
    "Look, it's what I was used to. It's what ... It's what she—" God, I don't think I can talk about it. Here I have my chance, at last, to make amends, and I can't even talk about it.
    "I understand. I didn't know that then, though. And I'm sorry too."
    I blink. "For what?"
    "For freaking out the way I did. For starting the whole thing. If I hadn't gone screaming out of the basement—"
    "Rachel, it's not your—"
    "If I hadn't gone screaming out of the basement like that," she insists, "no one would have known. No one would have known and Mrs. Sherman would still have her job and maybe you wouldn't hate me."
    "Hate you?" It's like a line drive to the balls.
    "Hate you? Jesus! How could I hate you?"
    "You never talked to me after that day. You avoided me everywhere. Michelle tried to get Zik to talk to you about it, but he wouldn't..." Good old Zik. "And you wouldn't even
look
at me. As soon as I'd see you somewhere, you'd leave or look away or find some excuse to talk to someone else."
    "Rachel! God! I was—I was
embarrassed.
I practically raped you in that closet! I couldn't even
think
about looking you in the eye."
    "You didn't practically rape me, you bonehead! I was coming on to you!"
    "Oh, right. Like you wanted to have sex with me right there in the closet, with Zik and Michelle on the other side of the door!"
    She glares at me and tugs her cap. It's somehow adorable.
    "I would have."
    "What?" Did I just think
adorable?
    "Well..." She shrugs. "I might have. I don't know. You were—I was really into you, Josh. I don't know how far I would have let you go if you'd gone about it differently."
    I swoon into a flicker, Rachel's lipstick smudging my cheek in the closet, all those years ago.
    "Josh? Josh?"
    "I'm OK."
    Under the brim of the cap, her eyebrows have come together in concern. She comes closer, reaching out. "You looked like you were going to pass out. Don't blow a blood vessel over this."
    Her freckles are soft in the moonlight, a faded tattoo over the bridge of her nose. Her eyes glow blue-green. No makeup or eye shadow or mascara. I think of Eve's long lashes, the smoky gray shadow that made her eyes look so deep.
    "There's no reason to be afraid," Rachel says, and she's whispering, and I don't know why.
    "I'm not afraid," I whisper back, and it's a lie that even I don't believe.
    There's a thumping sound, a single, solid
plop.
The ball has dropped to the ground, along with Rachel's glove. She's so close to me that I can count the freckles. I can smell the sweat soaked into her cap. She leans in closer and kisses me on the lips.
    It's not like last time. Her lips are dry, naked, firmer than before. I fight the warring urges in my body; I want to grab her and pull her closer, but that would scare the living shit out of her, so I also want to break away and run like hell. It's been like this with
every
girl. I flicker, seeing Eve before me, and my reflexes rear up, telling me what to do, what needs to be done, what she needs, what I need, what she
insists
be done. My hands tremble and the tremble reminds me I'm wearing a glove, and that somehow brings me back to the real world as Rachel pulls back.
    "It's better if you open your mouth," she says.
    "Yeah. I know."
    "I know you do."
    Has she read the documents online? Does she know everything I did with Eve? What does she expect from me? How do I act with her?
    "I don't know what you want from me, Rache." And I don't. I get that she missed me. I get that I was a jerk for years. And it ends there.
    "I want you back." She blurts it out, then turns away from me, embarrassed. "I mean ... You were a big part of my life. And then you were gone. I always wondered..."
    "We were too young for ...