Free The Zombies Of Lake Woebegotten by Harrison Geillor Page A

 
    “Can I see this zombie dog?” Harry asked.
    “It’s in a cooler in the truck, I’ll go get it.” Rufus hurried outside, but he returned a moment later, shaking his head. “The cooler was tipped over, and the lid was open. Alta got away. There was a trail in the snow, going around the house, but, ah…” He looked a little sheepish, but then, Otto thought he always looked a little bit like a sheep, it ran on that side of the family.
    “You didn’t want to chase a zombie dog unarmed and there were no handguns and ammo just laying around in the driveway.” Harry’s voice was bland and non-judgmental. “Can’t say I blame you. Sounds like a job for animal control anyway.” He sighed. “Which, of course, is me.”
    A great crashing and shouting came from deeper in the house, followed by a scream and a gunshot. Harry had his pistol out in no time, and Dolph lifted his rifle, but Otto just considered reaching for the chainsaw and then changed his mind. He’d be just as likely to cut off his own leg as to do any good. Better to just stand behind the people holding guns.
    Old man Levitt lifted his head from the carpet, and smiled despite the tears running down his face. “Sounds like the other officer decided to see what I had hidden up in the attic. Guess he found out. That’s where I keep the ladies’ auxiliary. Seemed wrong to keep the men and women together. Heh heh heh.”

9. Freezer Burned

    “W e should have called the police,” Pastor Inkfist said, and Father Edsel just grunted, driving too fast, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, and humming something that sounded sort of Wagnerian, only more bombastic.  
    The priest stopped humming, said, “The days of worldly authority are at an end, my boy. Listen.” He flicked the radio on and twisted through the channels the old-fashioned way, turning a knob, no “seek” or “scan” to light the way, but even though he turned slowly there was never anything but the hiss of static. “You see? Nothing but empty air. The dead have risen. I don’t truck with that Protestant business about the Rapture, but I believe in the end of days, the revelation of St. John the Divine—”
    “Now, I don’t know, I think that was all metaphor,” Daniel said, a bit weakly at first, but gaining strength as he went on, feeling on solid ground. “The Great Beast 666 was a Roman emperor, John was writing about the evils of his own time, not giving us a glimpse of something terrible to come.” He paused. “Plus, of course, he was probably eating the wrong sort of mushrooms. I hear those can give you all sorts of ideas.”
    “There’s evil afoot, Inkfist—Hell itself disgorging the dead, demons possessing the corpses, I don’t claim to know all the details , but surely you admit Satan had a hand in this?”
    “I guess, I suppose you’d say, as for Satan, I think for myself I’ve always seen the church as more practical, ministering the sick, offering spiritual guidance, sure, but mostly—”
    “You doubt the existence of demons?” Edsel’s eyes were fiery. “There’s biblical precedent for this situation exactly . Do you recall when Jesus found men emerging from tombs possessed by a demon, and the demon said his name was Legion? And our Lord cast the devils out of the bodies of the men and into a herd of pigs, and those pigs drowned themselves in the sea of Galilee? We have that very same thing here—demons in the bodies of men!”
    “I always took the story of Jesus facing Legion to be a parable for the anti-Roman resistance of the time,” Daniel said. “That would explain the inconsistency in the way various apostles—”
    “We must be warriors for Christ,” Edsel interrupted. “Armed with our faith, but also armed with shotguns and baseball bats and flamethrowers, if we can get them.”
    “Ah. But we can’t, of course.”
    “Nonsense,” Edsel said. “Of course we can. And I know just the place. But first, we need to gather the people