Free The Best You'll Ever Have by Valerie Frankel, Shannon Mullen Page A

continue to be uptight and proud of it. As we grow up, we think in terms of being a good girl or a bad girl and that thinking stays with us. What does being a “good girl” do for you once you’re out of high school? It’s a childish concept. But now we’re adults. Let’s stop thinking in terms of good and bad and try these questions instead: Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I healthy?
    Despite the fact that good sex is the key to good health and the glue in any monogamous relationship, women still frequently dismiss the importance of their own physical pleasure as if it didn’t matter. Meg Ryan’s Sally character explained faking an orgasm as an easy way to make the man feel good. And what about Sally feeling good? That wasn’t even an issue.
    Women can have orgasms as easily as men. To do so, they have to learn their own responses as well as men. Men have a head (hand?) start with masturbating, but women can catch up. For women to become accomplished, we must first think differently, starting with the language of it. Every woman hates the word “masturbate” as much as I do. It’s almost as horrible as “horny.” It took me years to be able to say it out loud. I still don’t like the sound of it, despite the fact I say it many times during a Salon. It’s just a word, a superficial thing. But, in hating to use the word, women are inhibited in our thinking, our ability to talk about it and, yes, even do it.
    Men have a million euphemisms. They’re cheerful, creative, silly, and so often about animals. Spank the monkey, drain the snake, choke the chicken. They have some good gender-neutral euphemisms: “master of my domain” from Seinfeld is still one of my favorites. Then there’s my friend Carey’s favorite, “taking a solo flight,” or the new age-intoned “moving my chi.” The only female-exclusive euphemism I know that isn’t offensive is “polishing the pearl.” My friend and coauthor Val likes “taking some private time” or “going bowling.”
    So let’s talk about one of life’s great pleasures without any negative judgment attached. Pick a euphemism. Any euphemism. Whatever works for you.

    The Solo Flight
    There’s a mistaken notion that solo flights are only for when we’re not in a relationship. Back to When Harry Met Sally. Remember Sally confronting one of her many boyfriends about his masturbation during their relationship? She whined, “Aren’t I enough for you?” while looking incredibly hurt and feeling horrible about herself. He said, “Oh, come on, don’t tell me you don’t masturbate anymore since we got together.” “I don’t,” she insisted back, as though this were a virtue. She went to Harry and told him how upset she was and how wrong her boyfriend was, and Harry said, “Everyone does it. It’s normal.” And he was right. It is normal. Not just for men but for everyone.
    Sally’s idea that being in a relationship changes things is part of the female tendency to put pressure on their relationships to satisfy every need. The dream that a girl grows up with is that someday she’ll meet a man and he’ll take care of her in every way she needs and she’ll take care of him. A very nice idea. And it is true that, in a healthy relationship, you can take care of him and he can take care of you. But you are and always will be in charge of your orgasms. You should have as many as you can with and without the guy you love.
    Solo flights take the pressure off the relationship in the same way you blow off steam bitching to your girlfriend about his leaving socks on the floor. With a solo flight, you don’t have to be in the same place at the same time or in the same mood. Expecting him to be totally responsible for your satisfaction is like saying he’s the only friend you’ll ever need. It’s an unreasonable pressure, and it won’t make either of you happy. Always keep your friends and your solo flights. Encourage your man to do the same. That’s healthy