Free Pet Peeve by Piers Anthony Page B

the bird?” Goody asked. “We're looking for a good home for it.”
    She laughed. “No way! They'd boot me out of No Man's Land! Take it on across the river.” The bridge reappeared.
    Goody took back the peeve. “Thank you.”
    They walked onto the bridge. It was solidly constructed and seemed more than adequate, but close to the surface of the river. The loan sharks swam in close.
    “Ignore them and maybe they'll go away,” Hannah advised.
    “Hey, you lubbers! You call those teeth? I've seen better on a keyhole saw!”
    The sharks' colors intensified. They gnashed their teeth, which were considerably larger than described.
    “And those fins—I'll bet they make stinking soup!”
    Goody hurried, but now the sharks were really enraged. One big blue one leaped high enough to land on the bridge. It swiveled around, trying to slide across the planks to reach them.
    “And what happened to your tail? Did it get caught in a grinder?”
    Goody backed away as the shark snapped at his legs.
    Another shark made the leap, landing behind him. This one was red, and larger than the first. Now he was trapped between them.
    Hannah stepped in, her sword drawn. “Now we can do this one of two ways,” she said to the sharks. “You can slide back into the water on your own, and keep your hides intact. Or you can be filleted for our dinner.”
    “Don't you believe it!” Goody's voice cried. “She's got good-tasting arms and legs.”
    The red shark gnashed its teeth, sending out a shower of sparks. It wasn't being bluffed.
    “Perhaps a small demonstration,” the barbarian said. She stepped forward, her sword-point blurring. The letters H B appeared on the shark's hide.
    “She carved her initials!” the parody chortled. “Maybe she'll do her whole name next: Honey Bunch.”
    The shark chewed on that a moment, then slid off the bridge, followed by the blue one. Hannah had made her point.
    They continued on across the bridge, unmolested. “Could you really have filleted them?” Goody asked.
    “Of course. But I didn't really want to. Loan sharks taste terrible.”
    They reached the far bank and turned to wave thanks to Brigitte. Then they surveyed the plants growing here. There was an assortment of pie plants, milkweed, and cookies. Exactly what they needed.
    They settled down for a considerable snack. “Honey Bunch?” Goody asked.
    “When I was a girl, a mean boy made that up to tease me. Now they call him tongue-twister.”
    “But that's not a tongue twister.”
    “Because he never was able to get the knot I tied out of his tongue.”
    “He he hee!” the peeve laughed.
    Hannah glanced at it. “I haven't lost the knack.”
    The bird's beak snapped thoroughly shut.
    Stuffed, Goody found he had a problem. “I need to—”
    “Poop!” the bird said helpfully.
    “No! But—”
    “Squat by a bush,” Hannah said.
    “But—”
    “You can't do it the way you used to. You're a girl now.”
    “And you've got pan-ties!”
    Goody found the whole business uncomfortably awkward, especially with the goading of the bird, but managed to get through. “I thought I got what I needed,” he said, glancing at the statuette. “But it didn't help at all.”
    “Such artifacts are usually valid. Just keep it in mind as we search.” But the barbarian's assurance lacked conviction.
    They came to a central plaza. There was some kind of monument, a big block of polished stone. On it were the words THINGS EQUAL TO THE SAME THING ARE EQUAL TO EACH OTHER.
    “What does it mean?” Goody asked.
    “Beats me. But it surely means something.”
    “Duh!” the parody said.
    She turned to the bird. “Do you know something, or are you just mouthing?”
    “Small object, big object, put them together, cretin.”
    Goody brought out the statuette and considered it more carefully. “I just noticed something: this is male on one side, female on the other.”
    “I just noticed something too: there's a doll-shaped cavity in the top of this