Free Mash by Richard Hooker Page A

the Army back in 1943 you indicated no great feeling of loss. The United States Army, in its infinite wisdom, allowed me to partake of the medical education for which I was so well prepared at Androscoggin.
    Now I am in Korea as a surgeon in a Mobile Army Hospital. To make a long story short, I know a Korean kid that I want to get into Androscoggin. You took a chance on me. If you could do that you have twice as much reason to take a chance on my boy, Ho-Jon. He is a winner.
    I’m just as serious as I can be. If you’ll consider the deal at all, let me know what it will cost, and I’ll see what I can do to get up the loot.
    Your former outstanding undergraduate,
    Hawkeye Pierce
     
     
    An answer arrived three weeks later:
     
     
    Dear Hawkeye:
    As Dean of the College, I naturally remember you very well. In my job one has to take the bitter as well as the sweet, and I’ve had my share of both.
    My natural expectation is that, if I accede to your request, I will soon have on my hands some illiterate seventy-year-old refugee from a leper colony. Despite the possibility of your having matured slightly in the last nine years, that is really what I expect.
    However, this sort of thing is popular these days. If you feel your boy can do college work and if you can get him over here and supply him with a thousand dollars a year, we will give him a chance. Enclosed is an application for Ho-Jon to complete.
    Sincerely,
    James Lodge
    Dean, Androscoggin College
     
     
    “Boys,” said Hawkeye, “it’s going to cost us at least five or six grand, figuring travel and one thing or another.”
    “I know we’ll get it up, but I don’t know how,” said Duke.
    Dago Red entered. He had some pictures he had taken of the Swampmen during the winter. At the time Trapper John had been sporting a beard and a large crop of unbarbered hair. Several of the pictures were of Trapper John.
    “Look at The Hairy Ape,” said Duke.
    “No,” said Red, “he doesn’t look like The Hairy Ape. With that thin, ascetic face and the beard and the piercing eyes, he almost looks like our Blessed Saviour.”
    Taking another look, he crossed himself and thought better of it.
    “If that’s what He looks like,” said the Duke, “I’m gonna try Buddha.”
    “Lemme see that picture,” said Hawkeye Pierce.
    He looked. “By Jesus, it does look like Him,” he agreed and lapsed into pensive silence.
    A while later Hawkeye sat up, lit a butt, and said, “Hey, Trapper, how fast can you grow that beard back?”
    “Couple weeks. What do you have in mind?”
    “Money for Ho-Jon.”
    “How’s that Yankee growin’ a beard gonna get money for Ho-Jon?” asked Duke.
    “Easy. We’ll get a good picture of him, have copies made, and sell actual photographs of Jesus Christ at a buck a throw. If we make out with that, he can make a few personal appearances.”
    Trapper looked interested. “Always knew I’d make good,” he said, “but I never thought I’d get to the top so fast.”
    “I’m movin’ to another tent,” wailed the Duke. “You crazy bastards are gonna get me in trouble.”
    “Now wait a minute, boys. You can’t do this,” pleaded Dago Red.
    “Maybe not, Red,” answered Hawkeye, “but we gotta get some money. This idea is crazy, but there are a lot of screwballs in an army. Trapper’s picture will sell, and a lot of people will buy them for laughs and souvenirs. It won’t hurt anybody, and it’s a good cause. All we gotta do is work out the details.”
    Two weeks later the beard had grown, pictures had been taken and seven thousand prints made. Trapper John spent two days autographing them. Dago Red was frantic. They were ready for action. The enlisted men were fond of the Swampmen and were delighted to buy pictures of Trapper J. Jesus Christ McIntyre at a dollar a copy.
    “We got us two bills,” said Duke who in a day had unloaded 200 copies. “Let’s go to Seoul and see if we can run it up in a crap game.”
    “Hell with