there is no more past ... and I have nothing, Ivo ... nothing at all...." She was sobbing in his arms as she said it, and he only held her tight.
"It'll be different one day, Bettina. One day, you'll look back at all this and it will seem like a dream. A dream that happened to somebody else. It will fade, darling ... it will fade." But how he wished he could make it fade quickly and make her pain disappear. He had already made a decision before he left for London, but he wondered if this was the right time. He waited until she was quieter before he asked her any questions, but then he brought her into the living room and sat her down next to him on the couch. "What are you going to do tomorrow, Bettina, when you move out?"
She took a deep breath and looked at him. "Go to a hotel."
"What about tonight?"
"I want to sleep there."
"Why?"
She started to say Because it's my home, but it sounded ridiculous, it was only an empty apartment. It wasn't anyone's home anymore. "I don't know. Maybe because it's my last chance."
He looked at her kindly. "But that doesn't make much sense, does it? You've lived there, you've collected all the good memories it had to give. And now it's all gone, it's empty, like an empty tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out. There's no point keeping it a moment longer, is there?" And then, after only an instant, he looked at her more deeply. "I think it would make a lot of sense if you moved out today."
"Now?" She looked startled, and once again like a frightened child. "Tonight?" She stared at him blankly and he nodded.
"Yes. Tonight"
"Why?"
"Trust me."
"But I don't have a reservation...." She was clutching at straws.
"Bettina, I've been waiting to ask you this, but I'd like you to stay here."
"With you?" She looked startled, and he laughed.
"Not exactly. I'm not a masher after all, darling. In the guest room. How does that sound?" But nothing had really registered. Suddenly she felt very confused.
"I don't know ... I suppose I could ... just for tonight."
"No, that wasn't what I had in mind. I'd like you to stay until you get settled, till you find a nice place of your own. Something decent," he admonished gently, "and the right job. Mattie could take care of you. And I'd feel a lot better if I knew you were safe here. I don't think your father would have objected. In fact I'd say it was what he'd have liked best. Now" --he watched her eyes carefully--"what about you?"
But her eyes were filling slowly with tears. "I can't, Ivo." She shook her head and looked away. "You've been too good to me already, and I could never pay you back. Just today ... the desk ... I can't ever--"
"Shh ... never mind...." He took her in his arms again and gently stroked her hair. "It's all right." And then he pulled away to look at her and tried to coax her to smile. "Besides, if you're going to cry all the time, you can't stay at a hotel. They'd throw you out for making too much noise."
"I don't cry all the time!" She sniffed and accepted his handkerchief to blow her nose.
"I know that. In fact you've been unbelievably brave. But what I don't want you to be is foolish. Going to a hotel would be foolish." And then more firmly he added, "Bettina, I want you to stay here. Is that so awful? Would you really hate it, being here with me?" But all she could do was shake her head. She wouldn't hate it. In fact that was one of the things that frightened her most. She wanted to be there with him. Maybe even a little too much.
For a moment she wavered, and then sighed again as she blew her nose. And then at last she let her eyes find his. He was right. It did make more sense than going to a hotel. If she just didn't feel like that ... if he weren't so damn good-looking in spite of his age. She had to keep reminding herself that he wasn't forty-seven or even fifty-two ... he was sixty-two ... sixty-two ... and her father's very dearest friend ... it was almost like incest ... she couldn't let herself feel that
J. S. Cooper, Helen Cooper