Free Pieces of My Heart by Sinéad Moriarty Page B

feel like shit. It’s as if I’m not a whole person because I’m single. Of course I’d like to meet someone, but sometimes I’m happy being on my own. Why can’t they just leave it?’
    ‘Because when you love someone, you want them to have it all.’
    ‘Yes, but your definition of having it all is not necessarily the same as the other person’s.’
    ‘That’s true – I never thought of it like that.’
    ‘I don’t want children, but everyone thinks I’m saying that because I’m forty-three and single. But that’s not it. I just don’t want kids. I never did. But Hilary can’t accept this because her children define who she is. She has nothing else in her life. She barely leaves the house unless it’s to ferry the boys to soccer or swimming. I think her life looks like hell and she thinks the same of mine.’
    ‘I know what you mean, actually. When I met Paul and decided to get married, all my friends thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. They tried to talk me out of it. They said I was going to miss out on my youth, I’d never travel and see the world, and I’d be a boring housewife in my twenties.’
    ‘I remember when you got engaged – I hardly knew you but everyone who did was totally shocked.’
    ‘They thought I was mad. But the point was that I needed stability. I craved structure and security. After Mum died and Charlie married Catherine, I moved out. I didn’t have a family. I felt completely lost. I was living in an apartment alone at seventeen. So when I met Paul, I dived head first into the relationship. He was so strong and reliable and sure of himself and where he was going in life. I wanted to be part of that. He made me feel safe.’
    ‘Did you ever feel you missed out on your twenties?’
    ‘When I was stuck at home with the two girls and all my friends were travelling or partying all night I wondered if I’d made a mistake. That was a hard time. Paul had just bought the pub and was working day and night to make it a success, so once again I found myself alone. No one else had young kids and I had to make a new set of friends. But, I must say, Charlie was great. He used to babysit whenever I needed a night off, or just to go out for an hour. We got very close when I had the girls. I think in a way he saw it as a chance to make it up to me for marrying Catherine and leaving me on my own after Mum died.’
    ‘I think being a young mum is cool. I see my sisters and they’re going to be sixty when their kids are in college.’
    ‘Paul and I always planned to do our travelling when the girls were finished college. We said we’d sell up and head off into the sunset. Do all the fun things our friends were doing while we were having kids and building a life together.’
    ‘You should do it.’
    ‘I hope we will. It would do us good.’
    ‘Well, that’s all you need – the desire to do it.’
    I smiled. ‘ I want to, but I’m not so sure Paul does any more.’
    She looked at me as if she was about to ask something, but then changed her mind. I started to busy myself with some files. If she was nice to me right now, I’d burst into tears, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

10
    Ali continued to be quieter than usual for the rest of the week and moped around the house, sighing a lot. But on Sunday morning, she came into the kitchen, where I was sitting with Sarah, having tea and chocolate biscuits, and said she had an announcement.
    ‘What is it?’ I asked.
    ‘I’ve made a decision. There’s going to be a new me,’ Ali said.
    ‘Alleluia. All that misery was becoming a pain.’ Sarah stuffed another biscuit into her mouth.
    Ignoring her sister, Ali continued, ‘I’ve decided I’m going to get fit and healthy. I’m cutting out all junk food from now on.’
    She seemed extremely enthusiastic about her new plan and I was delighted to see her snapping out of her gloom. ‘Why did you decide this?’ I asked.
    ‘I just think that if I eat a