Free Food: A Love Story by Jim Gaffigan Page B

picking?” Because I’d rather die. You have to pay to pick apples? “Okay, how much do I owe you to work for you for free? Don’t rip me off. I’m no dummy.” Once in my pre-Jeannie life I dated a woman who made me go blueberry picking. One August she said to me, “I think I’d like to go blueberry picking. Maybe we should go blueberry picking?” I remember thinking, No. No way. They can’t even get migrant workers to do that. Yet like ten seconds later there I was in upstate New York, picking blueberries. I remember thinking, What happened? What am I doing here? The whole experience was much worse than it sounds. Picking blueberries is not like picking pumpkins. It’s not like, “Hey, I got one. Let’s get the hell out of here.” With blueberries you are never done. Even after three hours you tell yourself things like Uh, I got four. We could make a muffin. There’s got to be a machine to do this! It’s no surprise that I broke up with that woman after that fun date. Irreconcilable differences.
    This insane fruit-acquiring behavior is because we think we like fruit. Like it’s some prize rewarding us for our labor. Upon further analysis, this is most certainly not the case. We don’t actually like fruit. Why did the fruit cocktail disappear? Simple. It was horrible. When you think about it, has a strawberry ever lived up to expectations? I’m convinced strawberriesnever tasted good but just had fantastic public relations. “Dip it in chocolate and no one will even notice that it’s fruit!” If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.
    Nobody really wants fruit. This is why there are so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. You could start painting a bowl of fruit, leave for a couple of hours or even days, and when you came back, no one would have touched the bowl of fruit. On the other hand, if you’re painting a doughnut, you better finish it on the first sitting. You can’t even take a bathroom break. Upon returning, you might ask, “Hey, what happened to my doughnut?!” Your friend with a full mouth will exclaim, “I don’t know. Some fat guy ran in here. Well, I’m going to go get some milk and take a nap.” This also explains why there is no doughnut art. When was the last time you saw a painting of a doughnut? The subject always gets eaten. Sad, really. I think anyone would love a painting of a doughnut. Dunkin’ Donuts just has two D ’s in their logo and no picture of a doughnut. Why? It’s pretty clear to me that someone ate it before they had a chance to capture the image. Do I have to explain everything?
    Edible Arrangements
    At some point during the turn of the last century it became acceptable for people to send cut fruit arranged like flowers. I’d like this to stop. I understand you might find nothing wrong with someone sending you a beautiful arrangement of fruit on a stick that you eventually throw out. I realize that instead of sending flowers to say congratulations or sorry for your loss, people want to send these expensive fruit arrangements, but frankly I find it unsanitary. Cut-fruit always seems like it’s on the verge ofgoing bad: Our deepest sympathy … for your impending diarrhea. I always imagine the person arranging the cut-fruit display in a robe watching The View and occasionally sneezing. And honestly, why do “edible arrangements” have to be fruit? Can’t you just send me a bouquet of meatballs?

EVEN FEWER PEOPLE LIKE VEGETABLES
    If nobody wants fruit, even fewer people want vegetables. This is because, overall, vegetables taste horrible. Don’t believe me? Why, then, are we surprised when vegetables taste good? “Oh my God, this beet is delicious.” We are surprised because the expectation is that vegetables will taste like, well, vegetables. People eat vegetables, but nobody WANTS to eat vegetables. Think back to the last time you ate a