Free The Devil's Intern by Donna Hosie Page A

Septimus doesn’t need another soldier in the office egging him on; he needs someone peaceful. Someone like Medusa. Except when she’s hitting me, of course.
    Another glance at my watch. I’ve been waiting fifty minutes. I’ll give Alfarin ten more, and then I’m leaving. The on-duty devil has just called for security. The new devil is refusing to be admitted. Just suck it up, man. Being a pain in the ass won’t get you into Up There. Dead people my parents’ age are the worst. I know, because I see the insurance quotes for broken furniture and smashed windows. You wouldn’t believe the fight they put up when they get here. Troublemakers, all of them, but they soon learn you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself in Hell.
    I’ve been banging my head against the wall this whole time, or maybe the shadows were pulling it, I’m not sure. Either way, I have a headache. At some point, I’m going to have to go through the—now broken—administration doors and request passage up to the HalfWay House.
    And I’m going to be alone, completely alone, because Alfarin isn’t coming.
    I’m not scared about using the Viciseometer by myself. I’m pretty capable. I keep my head in a crisis. What was that word Septimus used to describe me?
    Stoic
.
    Stoic, that’s me. Mitchell Johnson—four syllables and nothing more.
    When I see Medusa again I’ll be old and she’ll be totally grossed out at the sight of me. She’ll have had a hundred boyfriends like the guy with dark-pink eyes. Medusa may even fall in love. And Alfarin will probably get to hold Elinor’s hand. They’ll all continue to mosh it up at Thomason’s, and I won’t get to see Alfarin shove fries up his nose.
    It’s time to leave. I have time in my backpack, but it’s starting torun away from me. I try to be angry with Alfarin, but I can’t. He’s had my back in this place on more occasions than I can remember. This was one request too far. I can hear the three of them in my head, calling my name. Three distinct voices. I’ll carry them with me forever: the best friend, the Viking warrior, and the peasant.
    I tread over broken glass. The new arrival is gone. He didn’t suck it up. He was dragged away by security. They’re quick and subtle and they have chloroform. The on-duty devil has gone back to being bored. I can still hear my friends’ voices. They’re getting louder and louder, and every one of them is shouting my name.
    The on-duty devil nods. Her flabby neck wobbles like a turkey. She’s gesturing at me. I turn around and see Medusa, Alfarin, and Elinor flying toward me like bats out of Hell.
    Alfarin is huffing and puffing and sweating like a pig on a spit. His axe bounces up and down on his shoulder as his braided beard swings like the pendulum of a clock. Alfarin looks as if he’s going to drop dead from a heart attack—which clearly he can’t. But he’s as red as a giant raspberry. Medusa is wearing skintight jeans, a hooded olive-green sweatshirt, and hiking boots. So is Elinor. I’ve never seen her in anything besides a dress before. She must be wearing Medusa’s clothes.
    “What—I don’t . . . What are you . . .” I can’t speak. I don’t know what to say. Elinor draws level with me first. She grabs my arm and pulls me into a corner.
    “Ye can get us all out of here?”
    “Yes, but—”
    “Then do it now before M takes Alfarin’s axe and chops yer boy bits off.”
    At that moment, an earsplitting buzzer sounds and a red light starts to flash near the check-in desk. My heart leaps into my mouth as Elinor claws my arm. We can’t have been discovered already, can we?
    The on-duty devil groans, then downs a cup of what I presume is coffee. Maybe it’s vodka? It’s always the quiet ones who turn out to be raging alcoholics.
    “You lot need to clear off. That’s the warning siren for a big arrival. I need the space.” Her voice is deep, like a man’s.
    “We just need passage to the HalfWay House!” I cry,