Free Tapas on the Ramblas by Anthony Bidulka Page B

high heels.
    Miss Judy began with a quippy little intro, talking about how great The Dorothy is and how great all of us looked upon her, then smoothly got on with the show. "You are in for a royal treat tonight, ladies and gentlemen!" she called out in contagious excitement. "On this first glorious night of sailing, a truly mystical night, we are thrilled to present to you a most delightful performer! Please welcome La Psychic!"
    I laughed off the corny name and exuberantly joined in with the crowd's hearty applause as La Psychic swept onto the stage. But the laughing stopped and my hands froze in mid-clap when I saw the woman's face.

Chapter 4

    The short, heavyset, dark-haired woman who walked across the stage to the introduction of La Psychic was none other than Alberta Lougheed. She runs her.. .what would you call it? Her psychic business?...out of the office next to mine on the second floor of the PWC building owned by Errall. It seemed the only PWC tenant not on this boat was Beverly Chaney. I wondered if a gay cruise would have need of a ship psychiatrist. Probably not a bad idea. Errall and I exchanged dumbfounded glances but said nothing as we sat back to watch Alberta begin her show, in all her eccentric, bright-faced glory, looking a little bit like Jann Arden as a gypsy.
    I'd never witnessed Alberta at work before and I have never come to a conclusion about whether she truly has some special talent or if she's just another nut bar. Psychic powers are something I don't know or think too much about. After a bit of humorous preamble, Alberta headed into the audience, holding her microphone close to her lips to emphasize the breathy tone of her voice. "Would anyone like to give me a personal item... any thing... a watch, a necklace...no underwear this time though, okay guys? Unless you're in 'em, I don't want 'em." Laugh laugh laugh. "Just anything you have that belongs to you...no stolen merchandise please." Laugh laugh laugh. "Something I can use to get a sense of you and your life."
    She came upon a young woman who handed over a nose ring. Alberta palmed it and bent over in gales of laughter. Once she recovered she asked, "Honey, did you just take this outta your nose?"
    The girl nodded, obviously grooving on the attention.
    "Oh my, oh my, well don't take anything else outta any other body parts." More laughing. "Ooo weeee, now that I see all you lesbians up close, I can tell this is the wrong crowd to ask for a necklace...no, wait, sir..." She pointed to a nearby man. "What's that around your neck?" He gave her a petrified stare. "Is that a pearly necklace!" she hooted. "Okay, maybe not. Okay, okay, enough of this joshing around. Darlin', what's your name?" she asked the nose ring giver as she headed back to the stage with the piece of jewellery.
    "Jamie," the woman answered, brushing back the bristles of her mohawk with one hand and wiping her lips with the other, good naturedly accepting the backslaps and ribbing of her friends.
    Alberta stood on the stage where everyone would have a better view of her as she buried the nose ring in her meaty palm, turned her face heavenward and closed her eyes. After a long moment during which the audience was admirably quiet, she said, "There's someone at home who didn't want you to come on this trip."
    Everyone turned to look at Jamie, to assess whether the first psychic volley of the evening had met its mark. I realized how important this initial move by Alberta was. If she failed to connect, half the audience might immediately brand her a charlatan and head off to the bar or casino. But if she got it right...
    Jamie's face turned a little whiter and she swiped away a friend's hand that was trying to tickle her.
    "My mom," Jamie croaked.
    The crowd gasped. Really. It was an honest-to-goodness gasp.
    "She thought it was costing me too much money, especially since I just started a new job. She thought I should wait a year and save up."
    Alberta's head plopped over to one side;