Free He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page B

doing. I think it was her asking, as much as anything, that made me see my reservations.
    “And then she needed help packing, and her mother and one of her older sisters came over. Together they sort of took over, you know. I saw a side to her that I hadn’t seen before. She was real sloppy sometimes in her closets. And she was tired a lot. She didn’t always get along with her mother, but I could see that in many ways she had some of the same bossy personality traits. Not to mention the same body type, and her mom had definitely gone to pot physically. Yes, I got scared, but I think rightfully so. Of course I hurt her, but it was better that I did it then before things got even more serious. No?”
    Shortly after Sally moved out, Marc and his old girlfriend also broke up. He says he realizes that he was probably just “using” her to “get out” of the situation with Sally. His explanation: “I went overboard with Sally, but the way I figure it is if we had been right for each other, it would have worked out.”
    Anyone listening to Marc’s story can see that his behavior was at best chaotic, confused, and irresponsible. One day he is in love with one woman, the next he is ready to sabotage the relationship to pursue an old girlfriend. One minute he is appreciating that someone is making him dinner, the next he is rushing off to see the old girlfriend. After having sex with one woman, he rushes home to cry with another. None of this seems to make very much sense.
    What makes even less sense is Marc’s method of dealing with the facts of his life. Essentially he manages to deny that he has a problem and to rationalize his behavior by telling himself that Sally is not the right woman. Otherwise he would behave differently. When we listen to Marc, we find it difficult to argue with him. Of course he behaved like a jerk, but maybe what he’s saying is true. Maybe if he and Sally were meant to be together, they would be together. That’s what the romance novels and movies would have us believe. This kind of logic manages completely to obscure Marc’s commitment conflicts and the way in which they cause him to act out.
    THE FANTASY COVER-UP
    When we hear someone like Marc talking about the problems in his relationships, we may think that he is being unrealistic, but even so we hesitate to tell him so. After all, we may tell ourselves, perhaps Marc is right, perhaps there is a perfect mate whom he is fated to meet. We don’t want to burst his romantic bubble. Isn’t that what the entire culture of romance has told us to expect?
    We think there are some very strong reasons why so many of us use denial or rationalization as ways of masking our commitment conflicts. When our relationships end or founder, we don’t look to our commitment issues. Instead we look to romantic fantasies that are accepted and reinforced by much of the world around us. Inthese fantasies people who are meant to be together are fated. Once their eyes meet, circumstances will conspire to keep them happy forever.
    Many people say that they don’t have unrealistic fantasies, that they are prepared to accept mere mortals as their mates. They tend to forget that when we fantasize, we think not only about how our future beloveds will look and behave, we also think about how we will feel when we are with them. We think about bliss and trust and sexual desire that doesn’t stop. Even when we are prepared to accept our mate’s imperfections, we are not prepared to accept our own everyday feelings of irritability and fatigue. We expect to feel close and bonded and perfectly at one with each other— all the time . We certainly don’t expect ever to feel bored, ambivalent, anxious, or annoyed. If any of these emotions surface, the fantasy is destroyed.
    Keep in mind that many single people with serious commitment conflicts never even think about the possibility of dealing with marital quarrels, marital boredom, or marital breakups. They don’t think