Free Murdering Americans by Ruth Edwards Page B

her to ask for a second refill. The third she took to the dinner table, for she had seen with alarm that there was, as yet, no sign of any wine. Just ubiquitous jugs of chlorinated iced water.
    She was placed between Dickinson and the pleasant, rubicund Martin Freeman, who seemed anxious to tell her about Indiana’s history. ‘I’m a Hoosier through and through,’ he explained, ‘and proud of it.’ As she was about to request an explanation for this perplexing statement, the President asked the gathering to bow their heads and said grace. ‘Now,’ he added, ‘before we tuck into a hearty meal, we are fortunate that our four distinguished visiting professors have kindly consented to share with us their mission statements.
    ‘Before I call on our speakers, can I just welcome all of you this evening, particularly our DVPs, who we know will add lustre to our campus. To them I say that here at Freeman U we have three goals we pursue passionately: the welfare of our students, the embracing of diversity, and the lighting of beacons of excellence that lead all our young people to high educational achievement. Our DVPs are four such beacons and we know they will inspire our students to strain every sinew to bring academic and sporting credit to their beloved school.
    ‘As I always remind my colleagues, we can never stand still at Freeman U: innovation will always be at the forefront of our strategy, along with the challenge of change. There will always be enemies who will seek to undermine our great mission, but we will take them on and we will win.’
    He paused for sycophantic applause, which was forthcoming.
    ‘Now, I call on Lady Ida Troutbeck. All our DVPs are remarkable people, but even by their standards, Lady Ida is exceptional. Not only does she head up the University of Cambridge, but she’s a senior member of the British parliament and an aristocrat. We are more grateful than we can say that she has taken time out of her busy schedule to be with us for a half-semester. Lady Ida.’
    ***
    ‘It wasn’t an absolute catastrophe,’ she explained later to Mary Lou. ‘But it was close. I had expected to speak after dinner, not before, and probably last because of alphabetical order, and my mind was reeling with the discovery that in addition to the appalling Rowley Cunningham, the other members of the job-lot of DVPs—as we are known—that Helen Fortier-Prichardson acquired on her trip to England were that ghastly New Labour stick-insect Constance Darlington….’
    ‘Oh, that’s funny. What was it she said about you during that debate about House of Lords reform? I seem to remember you two had a particular face-off.’
    ‘Don’t remember. The usual stuff about dinosaurs and the Stone Age, I expect. I remember denouncing her as a constitutional and cultural illiterate and vandal, which of course she is, but she took it rather badly. The cow has no discernible sense of humour, naturally. Like all lefties.’
    ‘What about Woody Allen?’
    ‘He doesn’t count.’
    ‘Oh, get on with it, Jack.’
    ‘There’s worse.’
    ‘Worse than what?’
    ‘Worse than Constance Darlington.’
    ‘Who could that be? Jack the Ripper?’
    ‘Jimmy Rawlings.’
    ‘You’ve made my day, Jack. Mind you, I should have guessed she’d want someone ethnic.’
    ‘That ethnic? Burn-out-whitey ethnic? Allah-the-merciless-who-will-root-out-the-infidel ethnic?’
    ‘That’s religious rather than ethnic. Anyway, your Provost was probably as ignorant about him as she is about you. Perhaps he’ll liven things up.’
    ‘He may do so. How he got into the country is beyond me when you think Horace was almost clapped in chains. Anyway, as you can imagine, I was somewhat preoccupied between wondering what a Hoosier was….’
    ‘You can’t have done two seconds reading on Indiana if you didn’t know that’s what the natives call themselves.’
    ‘I haven’t. So be it. Stop interrupting. Do you want to hear about my speech or