Free Why Do Men Have Nipples? by Mark Leyner Page B
Authors: Mark Leyner
to the ER for a good cleaning.
It is not uncommon for us to see patients who have violated these rules and come to see us to remove the tip of the cotton swab that has fallen off inside the ear. Don’t worry, we are prepared. We also remove other things like cockroaches, beads, and pen caps, all of which we’ve pulled out of ears.
Gberg: We need a list of things for the cotton swabs in the ear question.
Leyner: OK.
Gberg: Things that you aren’t supposed to do but can’t resist.
6:05 P.M.
Leyner: Picking scabs.
Gberg: I love it when they bring the food to the table and say “hot plate.”
Gberg: Can’t help but touch.
Leyner: That’s good!
Leyner: More . . .
Gberg: Like Carrie says, “More funny, boys.”
Gberg: Making fun of the editor is one of those things that you are not supposed to do but can’t resist.
Leyner: More funny like, “How do you extract my size 9 old school Adidas shell toe from the rectum of a book editor?” More funny . . .
Gberg: Should I leave that in?
6:10 P.M.
Leyner: Your call.
Leyner: Might be a little harsh.
Leyner: But it’s from the heart.
Gberg: Slightly.
Gberg: A dangerous little muscle, that heart of yours.
Leyner: I’m trying to think of more not-to-do stuff.
Gberg: Talk at a woman’s breasts.
Gberg: Eat your young.
Leyner: Pick chicken pox.
Gberg: You just want to pick stuff.
Leyner: Pop pimples.
Gberg: Talk with food in your mouth.
Leyner: I knew some girls who loved popping each other’s and their boyfriends’ pimples.
6:30 P.M.
Gberg: I wish my lady would groom me like a monkey.
Leyner: It’s all in the eating . . . monkeys combine grooming and eating . . . that’s the special part . . . picking insects out of our fur and eating them.
Leyner: Metaphorically speaking.
Gberg: You are at your best when speaking metaphorically.
Leyner: Thank you again.
Gberg: I gotta leave to go to the Knicks game soon.
Leyner: Can we get back at this tomorrow when you get back from the hospital?
Gberg: Let’s try to finish everything.
Leyner: You have to go, right . . . we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Gberg: OK, let’s talk tomorrow.
Leyner: I’ll look at the e-mail . . . and we’ll drive the final stake into the heart of this vampiress tomorrow.
IS IT DANGEROUS TO PERFORM COLONIC
IRRIGATION ON YOURSELF?
Colonic irrigation claims to help indigestion and yeast infections, control blood pressure, restore pH balance, reduce bad odors, clear colon blockage, induce proper blood clotting, stimulate production of white blood cells, help prevent gallstone production, clean the colon of parasites, help loss of concentration, and aid lung congestion, sinus congestion, skin problems, and nail fungus.
Not a bad day’s work, but not exactly proven, and yes, potentially dangerous.
Colonic irrigation (CI) is a procedure in which very large quantities of liquids are infused into the large intestine, or the colon, via the rectum through a tube. The purpose is to detoxify the body through the removal of accumulated waste from the colon. This may involve the use of twenty or more gallons of liquid. Liquids used in colonics may contain coffee, herbs, enzymes, or wheatgrass.
The machines used for colon therapy are illegal unless used during conventional medical treatment. Colon therapy also can be dangerous. Complications include bowel perforation, heart failure from excessive fluid absorption, electrolyte imbalance, and several outbreaks of serious infections. One case linked to contaminated equipment caused amebiasis, a parasitic infection, in thirty-six people.
11:50 A.M.
Leyner: This book is going to ruin both of us. The editor will probably get a huge promotion and we’ll end up in the subway wearing fedoras and playing Andean flute music.
Gberg: Andean flute music sounds appropriate for the theme music in a colonic ad.
11:55 A.M.
Leyner: Why are people so interested in colonics?
Gberg: Seems insane to me.
Gberg: Who
It is not uncommon for us to see patients who have violated these rules and come to see us to remove the tip of the cotton swab that has fallen off inside the ear. Don’t worry, we are prepared. We also remove other things like cockroaches, beads, and pen caps, all of which we’ve pulled out of ears.
Gberg: We need a list of things for the cotton swabs in the ear question.
Leyner: OK.
Gberg: Things that you aren’t supposed to do but can’t resist.
6:05 P.M.
Leyner: Picking scabs.
Gberg: I love it when they bring the food to the table and say “hot plate.”
Gberg: Can’t help but touch.
Leyner: That’s good!
Leyner: More . . .
Gberg: Like Carrie says, “More funny, boys.”
Gberg: Making fun of the editor is one of those things that you are not supposed to do but can’t resist.
Leyner: More funny like, “How do you extract my size 9 old school Adidas shell toe from the rectum of a book editor?” More funny . . .
Gberg: Should I leave that in?
6:10 P.M.
Leyner: Your call.
Leyner: Might be a little harsh.
Leyner: But it’s from the heart.
Gberg: Slightly.
Gberg: A dangerous little muscle, that heart of yours.
Leyner: I’m trying to think of more not-to-do stuff.
Gberg: Talk at a woman’s breasts.
Gberg: Eat your young.
Leyner: Pick chicken pox.
Gberg: You just want to pick stuff.
Leyner: Pop pimples.
Gberg: Talk with food in your mouth.
Leyner: I knew some girls who loved popping each other’s and their boyfriends’ pimples.
6:30 P.M.
Gberg: I wish my lady would groom me like a monkey.
Leyner: It’s all in the eating . . . monkeys combine grooming and eating . . . that’s the special part . . . picking insects out of our fur and eating them.
Leyner: Metaphorically speaking.
Gberg: You are at your best when speaking metaphorically.
Leyner: Thank you again.
Gberg: I gotta leave to go to the Knicks game soon.
Leyner: Can we get back at this tomorrow when you get back from the hospital?
Gberg: Let’s try to finish everything.
Leyner: You have to go, right . . . we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Gberg: OK, let’s talk tomorrow.
Leyner: I’ll look at the e-mail . . . and we’ll drive the final stake into the heart of this vampiress tomorrow.
IS IT DANGEROUS TO PERFORM COLONIC
IRRIGATION ON YOURSELF?
Colonic irrigation claims to help indigestion and yeast infections, control blood pressure, restore pH balance, reduce bad odors, clear colon blockage, induce proper blood clotting, stimulate production of white blood cells, help prevent gallstone production, clean the colon of parasites, help loss of concentration, and aid lung congestion, sinus congestion, skin problems, and nail fungus.
Not a bad day’s work, but not exactly proven, and yes, potentially dangerous.
Colonic irrigation (CI) is a procedure in which very large quantities of liquids are infused into the large intestine, or the colon, via the rectum through a tube. The purpose is to detoxify the body through the removal of accumulated waste from the colon. This may involve the use of twenty or more gallons of liquid. Liquids used in colonics may contain coffee, herbs, enzymes, or wheatgrass.
The machines used for colon therapy are illegal unless used during conventional medical treatment. Colon therapy also can be dangerous. Complications include bowel perforation, heart failure from excessive fluid absorption, electrolyte imbalance, and several outbreaks of serious infections. One case linked to contaminated equipment caused amebiasis, a parasitic infection, in thirty-six people.
11:50 A.M.
Leyner: This book is going to ruin both of us. The editor will probably get a huge promotion and we’ll end up in the subway wearing fedoras and playing Andean flute music.
Gberg: Andean flute music sounds appropriate for the theme music in a colonic ad.
11:55 A.M.
Leyner: Why are people so interested in colonics?
Gberg: Seems insane to me.
Gberg: Who
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