Free A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction by Paldrom Collins Page A

nature of the problem, you can begin to build deeper intimacy, love, and connectedness.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
• Being in a relationship is difficult, but if you deal with the difficulty outside of the committed relationship, the issue will never be resolved. You only drive the problem deeper rather than finding the relief and intimate closeness that you are seeking.
Level 1 sexually addictive behaviors may include:
1. Sexually compulsive activities within the relationship including sex that is not coupled with respect for the needs and desires of the other partner, such as using the partner as a sex object
2. Lack of ability to engage in sexual contact with one’s partner
3. Sexual fantasy, viewing pornography, and masturbation (no contact with actual live people)
4. Visiting chat rooms or online sexual live feeds or posing as a single person on online dating sites—contact with live people, but no actual physical contact
5. Engaging sexually with live people but without emotional connection—including contact with prostitutes, massage parlors, emotionless dating, and affairs
6. Engaging sexually with live people with an emotional connection—including brief or long-term relationships and affairs
• Although there may be no such thing as “normal” sex and intimacy, there are certain clues or guidelines that a relationship is healthy and positive. What makes the marital relationship so special, and affords it the opportunity for a unique intimacy that exists nowhere else in your life, is when the marital partners have sex—and only with each other.
Looking Forward
At the end of Chapter 4 , you will find guidelines for full disclosure. Prior to that, we provide some clarity about many of the misperceptions you may be having about yourself or your partner.

CHAPTER 4
What Does This Mean about You?

Whatever the particular type of sexually compulsive behavior that is intruding into your relationship, certain patterns of thought can be obstacles to moving forward effectively. No matter what side of this problem you are on, there are some familiar themes.
Generally, women want to know what their partners’ behaviors mean about them and about their relationship. And women often want to know what they can do to help their partners. They would like to somehow ensure that the problem will not happen again.
Usually, men are ashamed about what they have been doing, while at the same time they often attempt to minimize the problem. Men can also have a tendency to blame their partners, their biology, and/or the society in which they live.
To illustrate, let’s look at Heather and Bryan’s story from an e-mail Heather sent to us.
Heather and Bryan
My name is Heather and I am in need of some serious advice. I just don’t know who to turn to about this issue. I am twenty years old and I live with my twenty-one-year-old boyfriend, Bryan. We are absolutely head over heels in love and spend most of our time together. About six months ago, I discovered that Bryan had a secret problem that he was keeping to himself. I think he might be addicted to Internet porn.
After I first discovered the numerous porn sites on his computer, I was devastated. I thought, “Am I not enough?” I can’t live up to the intense, airbrushed, perfect women on those sites. I freaked out, and as he calmed me down, he told me he didn’t have a problem, that he’s just a guy and it was an occasional thing.
Shortly after that, a few days later, I found even more porn on his computer. I was devastated even more. He had initially led me to believe that his using porn was occasional. After that second time I caught him, he finally told me that he had been dealing with his problem with Internet porn since the age of twelve. At that time, he had his own computer and it was just an easy click to see whatever he wanted.
He reassured me that it had nothing to do with being unsatisfied with me or with my body. It was an impulse, an urge. After that, he swore he would