Free Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) by J. P. Grider Page B

“Tagg, what is it?  You can ask me anything.  You know, I shared my story with you in an attempt to help you.”  She covered my hands with her tiny ones.  “I saw how much you were suffering and I really wanted to help ease your sorrow.”
    “How do you do it, Mara?  How do you forget?”  The words came rushing out.
     
    “Oh, Tagg… I’m not sure you ever forget.  I mean how could you?  You probably replay the events in your head over and over trying to change the course of them.  Asking ‘what if?’ every time.  No, I think it’s impossible to really forget.”  There was a slight hesitation.  “But, you can forgive.  You really need to find a way to forgive yourself for being the catalyst to such a horrendous tragedy.  It’s not going to be easy; nothing worth anything ever is.  But once you forgive what you’ve done, you can begin moving forward.”
    My eyes were dry, but my body was numb.  Could I ever forgive myself?  I didn’t think so.  I leaned back against the counter, both my hands cupped around its edge behind me, and turned my gaze up toward the ceiling.  I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and tried to let the images of my deceit disappear.  The enormity of what I’d done was too massive to ever be able to forgive myself.  It was hopeless.  And, if I could not be forgiven, albeit I would have to be both the forgiver and the forgivee, I could not allow this relationship with Mara to ever be more than a friendship.  She deserved a better man.
    “Tagg …” Mara placed my coffee on the counter behind me and took my right hand.  She squeezed it as she gently spoke to me.  “The first step in healing is recognizing that you need to forgive what you’ve done.  It won’t be easy, but I’m sure you’ve never even considered it.  Maybe, you can think about it at least.  Baby steps, Tagg.” Her milk chocolate eyes met my gloomy blue ones and I could have sworn I saw a spark in her eyes.  Could I ever truly be worthy of an angel’s love?
    No longer was my left hand on the counter behind me; I found myself timidly positioning it on Mara’s waist.  She continued her gaze into my eyes, but mine fell onto her lips.  Before I could contemplate if it was a good idea or not, I moved in closer and tenderly pressed my lips to hers.  Her lips were soft and sweet and warm.  Incredibly, she was kissing me back. I could taste cinnamon, just like her scent.  My heart filled with a warmth that I did not recognize; a feeling of home, of somewhere I finally felt that I belonged.  Both my hands were now engaged on her lower back and I was holding her so close I could feel her blood racing through her veins.  I couldn’t tell whose heart was pounding faster – her’s or mine.  I knew she was just as enthralled with our kiss as I was; that’s why it was so bewildering to feel her pushing me away. 
    “Tagg…” Mara stumbled on her words.  “I’m sorry …I …uh.”
    “I’m sorry, Mara.  I shouldn’t have done that.”  I struggled to say something to hide my humiliation.  “You must have some rules about dating your clients.  I’m sorry.”
    “No Tagg, that’s not it.  I just think you’re vulnerable right now and…”
    “And, you don’t want to take advantage of me?” My chuckle was strained, but I was trying to salvage any pride I might have had left.
    Mara smiled, just slightly, “No, I was…” Mara looked down at the floor.  “I was just protecting myself.”
    “Ah.  I don’t blame you.  I’m an immoral monster.  I’d protect you from me, also. I…”
    Mara abruptly interrupted me. “No! Tagg, that is not it at all. You have to believe me.  I just don’t… you have been lonely for so long; I’m afraid that you may be misinterpreting your feelings.  I just don’t want to be your rebound person.  I’m not even sure if I’m ready… it’s been so long.  I…”
    I reached my fingertips to her mouth. “Shh. Mara, it’s