Free Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington, Mollena Williams Page A

assumption is that a top would only want to play with a bottom. The thing is, labels can sometimes be flexible. They might also like playing with other tops, with slaves, with a human puppy, or with someone who identifies as “vanilla.” Do not rule out a potential play partner just because of the labels they use: all kinds of creative matches exist in the kink community. Attraction, chemistry, curiosity and desire trump a whole lot of labels.
    “If I know their kink identity, I know their personality.”
     
    NIX THIS ONE.
    Some toxic assumptions can impede and damage respect within the community. If you think dominant individuals must be bossy assholes, or that someone who identifies as submissive will be a spineless doormat, you will find — based on our experience — that your assumptions are some serious bullshit. Many of these types of assumptions are based on fictional literature and media, with fantasy and misinformation, and that they have little to do with reality.
    Try to approach each individual, to engage in every encounter, with an open heart and mind. Rather than simply making assumptions about who they are, what their story is, what they are into, or how you would fit in their world, try remaining open, respectful and curious. People can and will surprise you with their many facets, and you will surprise yourself, too.
    Language, Names and Social Styles
     
    In the kink community, there are many words, terms, acronyms, abbreviations and jargon that get tossed around, and these are always changing and evolving. Start by examining some examples in Appendix 1 : Kinky Lingo. In addition, some people have titles or “scene names” that they use — sometimes to obfuscate their actual identity, and sometimes because they more accurately reflect their deepest selves. One of the first points of confusion that people encounter are honorifics (such as ma’am, sir, master, mistress) and diminutives (such as girl, boy, slave).
    Asking someone how they wish to be addressed is a great way to avoid inadvertently stepping on toes. And if you are not comfortable addressing someone in a particular way, you do have the right to declare that boundary. You might also with to ask people if the name by which you hear them addressed is for public consumption: hearing someone referred to as “my pet” or “my liege” may not be an invitation for you to follow suit and address them similarly. It might be a public manifestation of a personal relationship. Again, ask questions first.
    Keep in mind that the name or title that you find presumptuous may be of profound importance and significance for the bearer of that moniker. Finding respectful compromises helps us find communication styles that work for all.
    Sometimes people will use slang terms. They may seem overly familiar, or exceedingly distant and cold. The person who has manic body language and gets in your face while talking might be an aggressive jerk, or might be a person from New York. The person who avoids eye contact and seems to be evasive in their speech might be a passive-aggressive jellyfish, or they might be painfully shy.
    If someone refers to you as “Sir” or “Ma’am,” don’t assume that they’re making assumptions about their dynamic with you; they may just have been raised in the south of the United States, or have spent many years working in customer service. Giving folks the benefit of the doubt and remaining compassionate will help to bridge the sometimes awkward encounters we are all sure to have.
    When moving from one-on-one to group conversations, take your cues from those around you. Some talks are boisterous shouting matches; others are measured and thoughtful discussions. Participating is fantastic. So is listening, and paying attention to the people around you sharing their own stories and experiences. Remaining flexible in your approach and patient as you are learning, as well as remembering that you are never too old to learn, will