Free The warrior's apprentice by Lois McMaster Bujold Page A

his body made him, in the end, more selfconscious than the most open revulsion he had experienced on Barrayar, with its fierce prejudice against deformity. Anyway, after finding his sexual parts disappointingly normal, the girl had drifted off.
    The affair had ended, for Miles, in a terrifying black depression that had deepened for weeks, culminating at last late one night in the third, and most secret, time the Sergeant had saved his life. He had cut Bothari twice, in their silent struggle for the knife, exerting hysterical strength against the Sergeant’s frightened caution of breaking his bones. The tall man had finally achieved a grip that held him, and held him, until he broke down at last, weeping his self-hatred into the Sergeant’s bloodied breast until exhaustion finally stilled him. The man who’d carried him as a child, before he first walked at age four, then carried him like a child to bed. Bothari treated his own wounds, and never referred to the incident again.
    Age fifteen had not been a very good year. Miles was determined not to repeat it. His hand tightened on the balcony railing, in a mood of objectless resolve. Objectless, like himself; therefore useless. He frowned into the black well of this thought, and for a moment even Beta Colony’s glitter seemed dull and grey.
    Four Betans stood nearby, arguing in a vociferous undertone. Miles turned half around, to get a better view of the speakers past Elena’s elbow. Elena began to speak, something about his abstraction. He shook his head, and held up a hand, begging silence. She subsided, watching him curiously.
    “Damn it,” a heavy man in a green sarong was saying, “I don’t care how you do it, but I want that lunatic pried out of my ship. Can’t you rush him?”
    The woman in the uniform of Betan Security shook her head. “Look, Calhoun, why should I risk my people’s lives for a ship that’s practically scrap anyway? It’s not as if he was holding hostages or something.”
    “I have a salvage team tied up waiting that’s collecting time-and-a-half for overtime. He’s been up there three days—he’s got to sleep sometime, or take a leak or some goddamn thing,” argued the civilian.
    “If he’s as hopped-up crazy as you claim, nothing would be more likely to trigger his blowing it than a rush. Wait him out.” The security woman turned to a man in the dove-grey and black uniform of one of the larger commercial spacelines. Silver hair in his sideburns echoed the triple silver circles of his pilot’s neurological implant on midforehead and temples. “Or talk him out. You know him, he’s a member of your union, can’t you do anything with him?”
    “Oh, no you don’t,” objected the pilot officer. “You’re not shoving this one off on me. He doesn’t want to talk to me anyway, he’s made that clear.”
    “You’re on the Board this year, you ought to have some authority with him—threaten to revoke his pilot’s certification or something.”
    “Arde Mayhew may still be in the Brotherhood, but he’s two years in arrears on his dues, his license is on shaky ground already, and frankly, I think this episode is going to cook it. The whole point of this bananarama in the first place is that once the last of the RG ships
    foes for scrap,” the pilot officer nodded toward the bulky civilian, “he isn’t going to be a pilot anymore. He’s been medically rejected for a new implant—it wouldn’t do him any good even if he had the money. And I know damn well he doesn’t. He tried to borrow rent money from me last week. At least, he said it was for rent. More likely for that swill he drinks.”
    “Did you give it to him?” asked the woman in the blue uniform of shuttleport administration.
    “Well—yes,” replied the pilot officer moodily. “But I told him it was absolutely the last. Anyway...” he frowned at his boots, then burst out, “I’d rather see him go out in a blaze of glory than die of being beached! I know how