Free Ten Years On by Alice Peterson Page A

to say, we left some Waitrose goodies for you in the fridge, so help yourself to whatever you want, see you later, and really hope those monkeys are being good.’
    Another splat .
    Theo and Oscar are in bed, teeth brushed. Earlier I read them a story about a blue kangaroo, we played games, both of them hiding under their duvets. ‘I think Oscar must have gone on holiday to Barbados,’ I’d said,pretending to search for him. Theo found this touchingly hilarious.
    I scan the shelf of DVDs in the sitting room. I can see why the boys aren’t allowed in here. It’s spotless: no toys, no clutter, a sanctuary for Todd and Pippa. The walls are covered with modern paintings (expensive but not my taste), the sofas are cream, there’s an antique coffee table in the middle of the room, and by my side an Italian glass lamp base with an art deco shade. Oh dear God alive, I am going to have an Oscar or a Theo in five and a half months. My life will change in every way. Olly and I had talked about having a family, but we’d wanted to be more financially secure. ‘We have all the time in the world,’ he had said.
    ‘All the time,’ I say emotionally, kneeling down to slot Pretty Woman into the DVD player.
    ‘Oh, come on, Becca. You’ve watched it about a hundred times,’ he says. ‘Go wild. Watch Avatar instead.’
    I wake up with a start. Where’s my mobile? Who’s calling me at this time of night? It might be Pippa? I haven’t even checked on the twins … I hunt for my mobile; finally find it wedged between the sofa cushions.
    ‘Hello,’ I say, standing up and catching a look at myselfin the mirror. My face is lined and crumpled from sleep; my hair looks as if I have just put my finger in a plug socket.
    ‘Rebecca? It’s Joe.’
    Joe. Oh God. Wake up. It’s Joe.
    ‘I feel terrible,’ he confides. ‘I didn’t know what to say earlier …’
    ‘Don’t worry. I understand. It was a shock.’
    ‘I wondered if we could meet? There are so many things I didn’t ask.’
    I don’t say anything for a long time.
    ‘Rebecca? Are you still there?’
    ‘I’m here,’ I say, and I can sense his relief.
    ‘I’d like that. When?’
    ‘How about tomorrow?’
    After the phone call, I open the boys’ bedroom door. They’re scrunched up into tiny balls, fast asleep under their superhero duvet covers. I kiss them goodnight. ‘Life gets complicated when you’re older, so make the most of it now, sweethearts,’ I whisper, perched on the end of Theo’s bed, gently stroking his hair. ‘Maybe don’t flick any more fruit kebabs against windows, and always be kind to your old aunt, but have lots of fun, laugh and be happy …’
    ‘Because you can never go back. God, how I wish Icould rewind, go back to that day,’ the voice continues inside my head. I stand up, abruptly. ‘I’m sorry, Becca, for being so careless. I’d taken one of my short cuts, it was normally a quiet road …’
    I rush out of the room, closing the door behind me. I pace the corridor, thinking about Jim and his dog, Noodle.
    ‘Talk to me, Becca. You know it’s me. I’m here.’
    I look into an empty space. ‘What do you mean you’re here? You’re not. You’re not!’
    ‘Not in that way, but—’
    ‘I’m having your child. This wasn’t how it was meant to be.’
    ‘You’ll be a great mother,’ he says quietly. ‘I have faith in you.’
    ‘Oh Olly. I miss you.’ I turn round and stop dead when I see them.
    I don’t know how long Pippa and Todd have been standing there; I’m not sure how much they have heard me say. Todd looks at my sister with concern.
    ‘I’m hearing his voice,’ I confess. ‘And I’m scared. Really scared.’

9
    Bristol University, Eleven Years Ago
    After Joe moves into our house the buzzer rings every five minutes, medical students dressed in skimpy skirts and revealing tops file in to see our new housemate. When my friends visit, they look over my shoulders to see if he’s around, or pretend they need