Free When You Were Older by Catherine Ryan Hyde Page B

That’s all I can say. I fell into … something. And hit hard.
    Like being hit by a car. And almost as painful. But mostly I mean, just that sudden. There’s no beginning, middle and end to that experience. The split second it happens, it’s happened. In its entirety. The only time that really elapses is the time it takes you to catch up. To absorb what just happened to you. And nobody ever thinks it’s going to unhappen. Do they?
    ‘Now you’re looking at me strangely,’ she said.
    ‘Was I? Sorry.’
    I looked away.
    But a minute later, when she went back to her donuts, I looked at her some more. I wanted to do nothing else from that moment forward.
    There were just two problems.
    One, whether she would ever return my feelings. And two, if she ever did, how to keep Ben from sitting between us on the couch every night.
    I took a big bite of my glazed donut.
    Three problems. And if it worked out, I would be very fat.
    Yes, it’s interesting, isn’t it? Suddenly it was lighter inside my brain. Funnier. Things were looking up.
    When I got into the driveway, Mark Jespers was standing out in front of his parents’ house, watering the lawn with a hose.
    I waved, and he waved, and then he ran to turn off the hose, and my heart sank. I’ve never been Mark’s biggest fan. And I’d been seriously looking forward to taking a nap. And daydreaming.
    Lady bakers, maybe.
    He met up with me right in front of my mom’s front porch.
    ‘You look terrible,’ he said.
    ‘I just need some sleep.’
    He’d changed, Mark. Literally. Physically. He’d bulked up. Gotten into bodybuilding, apparently. He wore shorts and a sleeveless tee, a muscle tee, obviously proud of what he had to show. I wondered if he used steroids. It looked like he might.
    ‘Hey,’ he said, careening off in another conversational direction entirely. ‘We’re going out tonight to celebrate Larry and Vince and Paul. It’s their last day.’
    I had an irreverent thought. I thought, Yeah, seeing as they’re already trained by the National Guard and they’ll be part of the first wave into Afghanistan, it’s probably at least one of their last few. I shook it away again. I didn’t want to think that way, especially about Larry. I liked Larry. At least, better than I liked Mark. And I knew him better than I knew Vince or Paul.
    ‘Yeah, Larry told me they were shipping out.’
    ‘We’re gonna go out tonight, all the guys. Get drunk. See them off. Come with us. You should come.’
    I just stood there a minute, looking at him. Not into his eyes. That’s always hard for me. I was looking at the girth of his neck. I was hoping he’d get it on his own. Belatedly. Without my having to say it. Didn’t pan out.
    ‘You know I don’t drink,’ I said.
    ‘Ooooooooh,’ he said. It was the ‘oh’ that almost never ended. ‘Riiiiiight. I forgot that whole thing. Shit. Well, come with us anyway, though. Just come with us. Have a pop.’
    Pop. Right. Mid-westerners don’t say soda. They say pop.
    ‘I don’t think I’d do too well around all that. But thanks.’
    I turned to go inside.
    ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t be surprised. I remember.’
    I turned back, sighing. I didn’t ask any questions. I just waited. Obviously it would spew forth on its own.
    ‘You always were way up here,’ he said, reaching one hand up high, above his head. ‘And we always were way down here,’ he said, reaching the other hand down low, below his waist.
    ‘I think you’re remembering wrong.’
    ‘I’m looking at it. Right now.’
    ‘I just don’t want to be around all that drinking. You’d feel the same if it’d happened to you. I’m going to go inside and try to get some sleep. And maybe later I’ll go by and see Larry. Does he still live with his folks?’
    ‘Oh, hell no. He’s married and got kids.’
    ‘Where does he live?’
    ‘He’s in the phone book,’ Mark said, simply, turning his back to me.
    Then he stomped back across the lawn. Just as