Free What I'd Say to the Martians by Jack Handey Page B

walking down the street and we’d go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called “swords,” and say, “We’re pirates! Give us your money!” A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so.
     
     
    Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she’d hide them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren’t allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case.
    Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.
     
     
    When you’re ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it’s hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
     
     
    When I was in the third grade, a bully at school started beating me up, every day. At first I didn’t say anything, but then I told Dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn’t know, but he still seemed scared, and just a few days later we moved to a new town.
    Dad told me if anybody picked on me not to fight back, unless I knew the kid didn’t have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise, he said, “Just curl up in a ball.”
     
     
    It was really sad when I went to visit my friend Jim at the state mental institution. He was convinced he was on a tropical island with no cares and no worries. It took me a long time to convince him that no, he was in a room with bare walls and a bare bed and he was wearing a straitjacket.
     
     
    Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.
     
     
    Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, “within reason.” When I asked her what she meant by “within reason,” she said, “You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.”
     
     
    One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a “surprise vacation.” We wouldn’t know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop.
    I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?
     
     
    I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad’s room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I knew what I had to do. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn’t get their mitts on it.
     
     
    When Dad found out the house was full of termites, he got real mad. But I was glad, because now I wouldn’t have to go all the way to the woods to get termites for my termite farm.
     
     
    When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn’t sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn’t give a damn about you or anything you do.
     
     
    I’ll never forget the time the president came to our town. When I saw him go by, he looked so much older and sadder than I thought he was. Also, why was he driving an ice cream truck?
     
     
    I remember lying there and watching an anthill for hours. I would watch them scurrying back and forth, carrying things, digging new tunnels, and finally it hit me: these are the things that are biting me.
     
     
    Of all my imaginary friends, I don’t think there was one I didn’t end up having to kill.

In Praise of the Human Body
     
    W hen you think of the most amazing machine in the world, what do you think of?