Free I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life by Jimmy Fallon, Gloria Fallon Page A

interesting.”
    They really mean:
    “What you just said is so boring that I don't even want to add a little information of my own to it. I’d rather just classify it as ‘interesting’ and not be associated with it at all.”
    When people say…
    “I’ve got a train to catch, so I’d better get going.”
    They really mean:
    “What a great way to end this infernal conversation!”
    When people say…
    “Hey, I didn't expect to see you here!”
    They really mean:
    “Who the hell invited this jerk?”
    When people say…
    “Don't worry about it—this round is on me.”
    They really mean:
    “And the next four are going to be on you, dork.”
    When people say…
    “You look different today.”
    They really mean:
    “You look sick!”
    When people say…
    “That's so sweet of you! You are so sweet!”
    They really mean:
    “Thanks, ass-kisser!”
    When people say…
    “I’m sorry—I forgot your name.”
    They really mean:
    “I just want you to feel as unimportant as I think you are.”
    When people say…
    “To each his own!”
    They really mean:
    “Weirdo!”
    When people say…
    “I hate to say ‘I told you so,’ but…”
    They really mean:
    “Nya, nya! Told you so!”
    When people say…
    “That's the way the cookie crumbles.”
    They really mean:
    “Sucks to be you, pal.”
    When people say…
    “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
    They really mean:
    “I never want to meet anyone like you again.”

Chapter Three
    Personal Reflections of the Pessimist
    Some days I wake up and stare at the ceiling.
    Then I think, “Man, I wish it was tomorrow.”
    I’m starting to think that I’m the butt of a joke that the whole world is in on.
    Growing up, I always wanted to be just like Abe Lincoln.
    Dead.
    I usually avoid people who are nice to me, because I know they're going to ask for a favor sooner or later.
    Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.
    There's nothing better than a day in the sun, if you can ignore all the ultraviolet rays that give you skin cancer.
    Everyone keeps telling me to travel and see the world because that's where all the opportunities are.
    Like the opportunity that I’ll get killed in a foreign country!
    Someone should invent action figures that are lanky and have no super powers. Then the youth of today might respect people like me.
    Sometimes I think, “This is all a test to see how strong you are.
    There must be something higher after this, some reward…”
    Then I think, “Yeah, right, wake up and smell your instant coffee.”
    Sometimes I cross the street with my eyes shut.
    If I’m ever at a party, I always take drinks from other people, hoping someone put something in it.
    Every time I talk to someone, I know I’m just wasting their time.
    This holiday season give the gift that keeps on giving—a plastic middle-finger keychain.
    With all the ice-cream men out there driving around, you'd think one of them would have the sense to blast some decent music for a change.
    I often try to reassure myself by saying, “Well, at least it can't get any worse.” But the truth is, it always can. And that's what really terrifies me.
    They say a dog is man's best friend.
    That's if you're lucky enough to get one of those “friendly” dogs.
    Sometimes I think the reason I don't get along with anyone else is because I’m superior.
    Then I think to myself, “What's so great about me?”
    I have a hard time looking at myself, let alone other people.
    Let's hear it for carbon monoxide, right everybody?
    People seem to enjoy saying, “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” They stop smiling when I say, “It'll be empty when I pour it over your head.”
    Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who cares about my welfare. I guess that's because I am the only one who cares about my welfare.
    When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I always think of their relatives and how disappointed they