Free Barbara the Slut and Other People by Lauren Holmes Page A

bad burn,” he said. “You were out like a drunk. Drooling, the whole nine yards.”
    “Thanks for the umbrella,” I said.
    My mom came up from the water and straddled Mak on the chair and shook her hair all over him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and bit her shoulder.
    “Get a room,” I said.
    They ignored me and eventually my mom got off of him and lay down on her towel.
    “I took your car in,” said Mak.
    “I know,” I said, “thank you.”
    “It does not look good,” he said.
    “What?” I said. “Why not?”
    “They said it never would’ve passed inspection in the state of North Carolina. Bottom is rusted out, holed out, nothing for the muffler to hang on to.”
    “North Carolina sucks,” I said.
    “Well if it makes you feel any better, wouldn’t have passed inspection in the state of Virginia or the state of anywhere else either.”
    “We’ll work something out, honey,” said my mom.
    “I’m going to Raleigh no matter what,” I said.
    “Fine,” said my mom.
    “I will crawl there if I have to.”
    “We’ll get you there,” said my mom.
    I checked my phone and had eleven missed calls from Noah. My mom took my phone and called him back. She repeated everything to me and Mak—“Dylan got caught shoplifting . . . a lighter . . . a Zippo . . . Tina is picking them up.” We got our stuff together and walked back to the house and waited for them. I was kind of excited. I was pretty sure this was going to be a shit show.
    When Tina’s car pulled in, both boys and the dog were in the backseat. When they all got out Tina looked furious, Dylan was crying, Noah looked tired, and Petey looked happy that everybody was together.
    “I think we all need to have a conversation,” Tina said to my mom.
    “Okay,” said my mom.
    I decided I wasn’t included in “we all” and stayed outside with Petey. I watched Noah follow everybody inside and felt bad for him.
    I sat under the front windows on the dining room side, where I would be able to hear them. If it had been my mom leading the investigation she would have led everyone to the couches in the living room, but I knew Tina would lead everyone to the table.
    “Andy!” I heard Tina yelling. “We’re here! Come down!”
    “Tina,” Andy said, already downstairs. “Please, don’t yell.”
    “Somebody has to yell,” she said.
    “Okay,” he said. A chair dragged on the floor.
    “Dylan, do you want to tell us what happened?” said Tina.
    “It’s not my fault,” Dylan sobbed.
    “What happened?” said Andy.
    Dylan cried harder. “Noah took things!” he said.
    “Is that true?” said my mom.
    “No,” said Noah. “Well, I took matches.”
    “You did?” said Tina.
    “Matches are free,” said my mom.
    “But not for kids,” said Tina.
    “It’s not shoplifting,” said my mom.
    “Why would anyone take matches in front of a little kid?” said Tina.
    “I’m not a little kid!” said Dylan.
    “I didn’t even think about it,” said Noah. “I always put some in my pocket.”
    “How is Dylan supposed to know the difference between matches and a lighter?” said Tina. “Dylan, did you know that you weren’t supposed to take the lighter?”
    “No,” he wailed. “I didn’t know!”
    I kept waiting for one of the men to say something. An elderly couple walked by very slowly. The woman was holding the man’s arm and it looked like the man couldn’t see very well or at all. Petey wagged his tail and I waved, and the woman waved back.
    “It seems like everyone did something wrong here,” said Tina through the window. “We shouldn’t have let them go out on their own. Noah shouldn’t have taken the matches. Dylan shouldn’t have taken the lighter. Andy?”
    “Hold on,” said my mom. “Noah taking the matches didn’t mean Dylan had to take the lighter.”
    “Dylan was clearly influenced by Noah’s actions,” said Tina. “Andy!”
    “I agree,” said Andy.
    “Noah didn’t do anything wrong,”